Stop Apologizing

I'm here for what seems like my yearly post.

I'm not going to apologize for not getting in here more often.   Lately, I have felt called to write.

I'm moving soon.  I'm writing 200+ letters, one to every member at the gym I'm leaving.  This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote.  I think it applies to many.

I did not ask you to join the box.  You decided to.

I did not ask you to be a member of this class.  You wanted to.

I did not make you come to class.  You motivated yourself.

I did not ask you to learn olympic lifts.  You hoped to.

I did not ask you to push yourself to your limits.  You decided to.

Don't apologize to me for anything.

You are here because you want to be.

I am happy you are here.

There is no mistake that our paths have crossed.

Your apology is not necessary.

No one walks in the door and knows what they are doing.  That's why we are all here.

Your lift was not perfect.  I know.  (No one's is).  Don't apologize that I had to come fix something.  That is part of my job.

My goal isn't to make you an expert, world class olympic lifter....  My goal is to make you confident, strong, and capable- just like I know you are.

You were put on this Earth with a purpose.  You came in here looking for something.  Find it.

Every time you walk through that door,  you are a little bit better.  My job is to keep making that happen.

Stop apologizing and start growing.  Reach for bigger and better things.

Be unapologetically you!

Vulnerability

No doubt about it, life is hard.  Add kids, house, work, spouse travel, pets, etc into the mix and it's just a wild ride.

A few months ago, my husband left on a Sunday for a work trip to Japan.  In the morning, I let the kids play video games while I got stuff done.  In the afternoon, we went bowling, ate pizza, and went grocery shopping.  In the evening, I hid the video games so they would not cause a distraction while we got ourselves ready for the week.  One of my kids was not having it and lost his ever loving S4!+!!!  He could not understand that it went deeper than me not trusting him to play it, but I needed the assurance it wouldn't be an issue because single parenting five kids and lots of dogs and getting ready for the week is no joke in itself.

The issue presented much worse of a problem, he stepped himself right up on a pedestal and fed me many lines that I care not to ever hear again in my life.  I'm not even sure where he came up with half of it.  At first I did my parenting best to ignore him and not react.  Then, I progressed to taking deep breaths and keeping my composure while I kindly told him over and over again, "dad's away, if it gives me one less thing to worry about, I will put the game away".   What I wanted to do was put a paper bag over my head with a giant smiley face painted on the outside.  After about ten minutes of his rage, during which I was accused of being the most likely cause of him failing out of college, becoming a homeless person with no self control that would probably resort to drinking, something inside of me snapped.

I walked over to the xbox, ripped out all the cords, lifted it up, and dropped it to the ground.  The xbox lost that battle- it shattered into about 99 pieces.  Everyone was scared- except him- the argument wasn't about the xbox so of course the point wasn't received by him, except that I was a lunatic.  He went upstairs to his room where I banished him for the evening or until he could calm down and rationally talk to me.

At this moment, I can say I had never felt so alone in my entire life- it is up there with the darkest moment I have had.  Not only was my husband away, but my family is halfway across the country.  Not many of my close friends have kids the same age as mine, so sometimes it's hard to commiserate.  I began analyzing everything about myself- was I a good parent, if I called a friend- would they think I was crazy, I was not a good role model for anger management since I just broke a 250$ game, of all the 200+ parenting books at the store, not a one could fix this situation... or could they- must get more books, was Dave going to be afraid to leave me home alone with the kids again, how could I have handled this differently...

My other kids were immediately by my side asking if I was ok, reassuring me they didn't use the xbox anyways so they weren't mad I broke it.  I went up after a while and apologized to my son for my rash behavior, but not for hiding the other video game.  I told him he didn't have to understand my decisions but he had better respect them.  Next time, I'll send him to his room right away and let him calm down there.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am real.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  I don't want anyone to think I am either.  Being vulnerable allows me to be real. I hope that it will help other people be real too.  The more real stories I hear, the more OK I am with my choices, actions, and situations I find myself in.

I want my kids to know I struggled so that when they struggle, they are not afraid of it or embarrassed by it.

I make food and desserts that are delicious.

I exercise and keep in shape.

I can sew and take photos.

I am a great friend.

I love my family.

I love my pets.

I am real.

I get mad.  I get pissed off. I swear.

I don't always know how to control my anger around my kids.

I have broken things.

I am a human being that is not perfect.

I am vulnerable.

Present

I don't have a New Year's Resolution per say.

I've talked about a lot of things I want to do this year.  But really, it all boils down to one word- present.

Present: noun:  at or during this time, now

I will live in the present.  I think my new motto is going to be "Live for Today".

I'm going to try to stop telling my kids how their behaviors are going to affect them when they are 50, etc.  I'm not going to worry that the mistake they made today is an indication of what is going to happen when they are 21.  I'm going to let go of what happened yesterday, because the sun went down on yesterday- today is a new beginning.

Present:  adj:  existing or occurring now

I am going to be present.

I will go to all my kids school events, sports stuff, and activities.  They will see me when they look out into the audience.

I will be present.  I will pay attention when talking with people and not be distracted by things such as my phone or Facebook.  I will not be consumed with gossip and meaningless babble.  I will have meaningful relationships, where I play an active role, listen, and comfort.

Present:  noun:  a gift

I will give presents to people.

I want to be a gift and blessing to the people around me.  The world needs more love and kindness and I intend to do my part to help others, even when they don't ask.

Present:  verb: to formally talk about something to a group of people

I will present myself with confidence.

I want to be a better coach, wife, mom, friend, and photographer.   I will be a better teacher and leader by how I present myself and what I am presenting.  This means I will spend more time on fine details, and take more time to do and learn things better, so I can present them in a clear and understandable way.

Present: verb:  to offer to show

I will present delicious meals to my family and friends.

I will learn new cooking techniques and use new foods to present appetizing, healthy, fulfilling meals to family and friends.  Most of the times I have friends over, we end up hanging out in the kitchen.  Many social events involve eating- food is a big deal.  I will be presenting new and intriguing meals to provide warmth, fulfillment, and joy to those who gather in my home.

My New Year's Word is present.

You Can't Do Everything

I can't do everything and neither can you.  We're not supposed to, it's just not possible.

I do a lot of things and I can do a lot of them well.  Sometimes I just think I can do it all.  I end up calculating my day, using every spare minute, to fit stuff in.  I tended to rush a lot.  I'm trying to learn how to slow down and realize it's ok to not get stuff done.

The past few years, as my kids have gotten older (and busier), I've had to stop pursuing a lot of my hobbies, due to lack of time.  I try to squeeze stuff in when I find a spare minute (which is totally rare).  Between my two jobs, my husbands work, the five kids schedules, laundry, dishes, and dinner, I have no time.

Things I will not give up are working out, making dessert, going to church on Sunday, educating myself to be better at my jobs, and spending time with my family.  Things I have to do sparingly, sew,  make new foods, crafts, and organize my house.

The main thing that I just don't care about, but it eats away at me, is my house.  I have a big house and it's a nice house, but every damn flat surface is covered with stuff.  I find I just don't care about dedicating the time necessary to get rid of all the stuff and make it look welcoming, calm, and neat.  When people come over (cable guy today), I always scuffle around, trying to recycle all the random papers the kids left lying around, or put away the Christmas sign that's been lying on the floor collecting dust for a month because I couldn't be bothered to take it to the basement.

My house stresses me out. There is plenty of space to put stuff away, yet, I, as one person, cannot be constantly responsible for putting away the stuff of 7 people.  I find myself in a panic if someone is coming over that they are going to thing I'm a slob.  Mind you, my house is not dirty, there is just a lot of random stuff.  Like I said, I have a lot of hobbies, and I know I'll probably never do many of them again- but given my lack of time, I just don't have enough time to spend sorting, recycling, good willing, etc.

The scary thing to me is that I probably do go to good will about every other week with three bags.  I put all my kids off season clothes in bins in the storage room in the basement, I have about 12 bins full of stuff to sell at a consignment sale, and I always put my holiday decor away in bins too.  So, what's all the junk laying around my house?  Crafts, work books, coloring books, toys, puzzles, old homeschool stuff, tiny pieces, games, art supplies, fabric- yes a lot of it's my kids and they definitely don't need it all. Envision five kids x five birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays where it seems to be customary to don them with cheap thrills to last a minute and burden me for years.

I have a few boxes that are not even unpacked from when I moved here almost six years ago.  A lot of the stuff I have, I have not used since I've lived here.  One issue is I will unpack a box, or start cleaning a room and then I get distracted and have to stop to go make dinner, help with homework, break up a fight, police a cell phone, or go to work.  The next thing I know, my five year old tornado daughter is into everything and I'm back to square one.

I have tried lots of different things, 15 minutes per day until a room is completely organized, move everything out of a room and put it back in, get all the organization containers, have like three organization books, and even lately, just trying to prioritize and focus on which room is most important to me to have clean and welcoming.  I can't decide between my office, since I spend time working in there, my bedroom, since that's supposed to be where I relax, or my front room because that is what I see whenever I enter my house.


I have made a lot of progress over the years, but not as much as I would hope.  Sometimes when I walk into my friends' houses, I get jealous, like seriously, how do they do it?  I even have a cleaning lady come once a month (hence the not dirty part).  However, seriously, I'm not sure I'd know what to do if everything was put away and all surfaces were clear.  I am trying to enjoy my kids being young and it's who they/we are, but I don't know how all of you with kids do it.  I give you mad props.

In the same aspect, I know many people have commented to me about how in shape I am, or that I can sew, or bake cupcakes from scratch.  I know I can't do everything--so I try not to feel bad about not living in a Pinterest type home-- because I know I'm spending my free time differently than others.

We all have our things we just decide aren't that important.  Stop beating yourself up about things that you never get to.  There are only so many waking minutes in a day, choose to spend your free time doing things that make you happy and better.  If something isn't getting done that stresses you out, ask someone to help you, or maybe spend one day devoting all of your time to it, so you can cross it off your list and be done with it.

The thing I am not good at is decorating my house and keeping it clutter free.  I can't do everything and I'm ok with it and so should you.

I Am My Own Motivation

I am my own motivation.

I want to be better, for me, not for you.

Each day when I walk through those doors, gear in hand, ready to work, it's for me, not for you.

I am the one who feels what I feel.

There's a voice in my head, mostly good, sometimes bad.  I am the boss of that voice.  I motivate me.

I am the one that listens to that voice in my head.  I can control it.  I motivate me.

Sometimes I'm angry, I need to clear my head, so I move weight and move a lot.

It's not about the score, the time, the muscles, the status, or look, it's about me being ok with being me.

I want to move really fast for me, it's not to beat you.

If you beat me or even if you don't, you are you and I am me.  What you did, how fast or how many has nothing to do with motivating me.

I may finish first or towards the end.  In the end it doesn't matter, because I know me, I give it my all, and I always finish on top of my own scoreboard when I'm being the best version of me.

I am not the best, I may never be.  But that's ok, because I'm ok being me.

Each day when I walk out those doors, sweaty gear in hand, I know I did work, mostly work on me.  How fast or how many truly doesn't matter because I became better.  Better at being me.

When the clock beeps go and you only focus on you, you will be amazed at the things you can do.

The less you concern yourself with me him or her, the more you will learn to motivate you.

If I leave all sweaty, out of breath, with nothing more left to give, I won.

It's not about me vs. you him or her.  It's me vs. me and you vs. you.

Decide

It is up to you to decide.

It's up to you to decide what your why is.

Sometimes people ask me why I do crossfit. Sometimes people ask me why I train so hard.

I'm not going to lie...occasionally I ask myself why.

There are days things feel like they are never going to come together.

There are days things feel incredibly heavy.

There are days things seem never ending.

There are days when my lungs can't seem to work hard enough.

There are days when I feel like I can barely move.

Why do I want to struggle, why do I want to feel nervous, why do I want to feel out of breath, why do I challenge myself like that?

Why? Because I feel alive.

Why? Because I can.

Why? Because I want to live my life.

Why? Because I feel confident.

Why? Because I feel on top of the world.

Why? Because I can be me.

Why? Because I want to kick ass.

Why? Because I want to be strong.

Why? Because I'm setting an example for my kids.

Why? Because you thought I couldn't.

Why? Because why not?

What is your why.

Rough Draft

Recently, I came across the analogy that life is like a rough draft.  With each new day, you have a chance to edit what you did the day before.

I think it's important for all of us to realize this.  Each sunrise brings a fresh start- a new page if you will.  A chance to rearrange our outlines, add stuff in, or remove it.

There are days when I am left defeated, and I go to bed with a scroll playing in my head of where I went wrong or how it could have gone differently.  But, I know I can wake up and start over again.

As a mother, especially with my oldest, I am constantly struggling with new situations I find myself in.  I wonder if I could have handled it differently or if only I didn't say that...  The good news is tomorrow I will be more prepared from what I faced today.

As an athlete, sometimes I just have a bad day.  Maybe I missed a lift I got before, or I am struggling to get to a movement I am training to master.  Today is a dry run of what tomorrow will bring.  I can learn from my mistakes, and I am gaining from my attempts.

Sometimes we will do things that cannot be changed.  We cannot undo them, but we can take those situations and turn them into new stories.  We can learn and grow as we were meant to do.

Most of us have plans- we know what we want from life and expect certain things to happen.  Oftentimes life is happening while we are making other plans.  Just when you think you've got it figured out, something comes at you out of left field.  Get out a fresh sheet of paper and start from there.

It's nice to have a plan and be driven.  But we must always have room for the possibility of something else.

Our plans, our hopes, and dreams, they are our rough draft.  We must always have space for living the real story as it unfolds.

We must always be mindful that when we are at our worst, the story is not over.  It is not cause to put the pencil and paper away.  It is more reason than ever to keep going.

Live on the page of today.  Tomorrow is still a rough draft.  Do not live thinking about tomorrow when you still haven't finished today.  

Ten Seconds

I saw an awesome movie tonight- Race.  It was about Jesse Owens- and I highly recommend it.

Jesse was black and in college during the 1930's when racism was high around the world.  He was asked to take a stand for black people and the jewish people in Germany and not go to the Olympics. He offered this in retort- (sorry not a direct quote because I can't remember it word for word- but it gets the point across).

"for ten seconds, when I'm on the track, it's about fast and slow, it's not about black or white- for ten seconds I'm free"

When I'm doing a wod or out for a run, during those times, it's just about me.

I don't have 10,000 drop offs and pick ups, it doesn't matter that my sink is full of dishes, or that I was just awarded Worst Mom in the World.

I am not concerned that my bathrooms are overdue to be clean.

I don't care about making dinner.

Those black circles under my eyes mean nothing when I have no mirror for them to stare back at me.

I am not 40.

I am not short, tall, or anything- I just am.

When the clock turns on, my mind is free and I just work.  It is my chance to just be me, with no subtitles.

There are no problems and no worries when the clock turns on.

When the clock turns on, all my troubles seem to disappear.

For those five to twenty minutes, it's just about me.

The wod doesn't talk back, it doesn't judge, it doesn't reflect, it doesn't ask for too much, it doesn't leave messes for me to clean up, and it doesn't care- it does what I want it to and it lets me be me.

When the clock turns on, I just work.

Whether it's for ten seconds or twenty minutes, when the clock turns on and the wod starts, I am free.

Be A Blessing

Typically I make a detailed list of things I want to accomplish for the year.  This year, I am being more broad and decided I just want to be more of a blessing to others.

My kids are getting a little older (and a tiny bit less needy)- and I feel like I have a little more time now to give to others.  I also want my kids to be involved in this.  I'm not talking about going on a mission trip or even committing to an organization, I'm just talking about being a Plain old blessing.

How am I going to be a blessing?  Well, it's not planned out, it's just going to happen- kind of like a lot of random acts of kindness, except some won't be random.

A few years ago, when I turned 36, I spent my birthday doing 36 Random Acts of Kindness, except they weren't all random because I had to plan them out to make sure I did them, and honestly by the end of the day, I was tired.  I did a lot of good, fun things, but it kind of became a chore to get that number.

Life gets hard and can bring you down sometimes.  There seems to always be some new upsetting story on the news.  There needs to be more good in this world and I plan on doing my part to make that happen.

My goal is to bring a smile to more people's faces.  I cannot say all the ways I can do this, but when I'm in the situation, I will know what to do.

That day I did the 36 acts of kindness, one thing I did-which I plan to do more of, was hung up a sign with slips of paper to tear off, that said "need a smile, take one" and I had my daughter draw smiley faces on it- it still makes me smile to think about it.

Being a blessing can be as simple as saying "hello, how are you today", showing that I care and notice a person.

I plan to write more letters to my grandmother- she's 86 and she lives alone- I know what a blessing it would be for her to receive hand written letters.

Other ideas I have in the back of my mind are delivering dinner to a friend, holding doors, asking more questions, remembering details during a conversation, giving more compliments, writing letters, sending birthday cards, lending a hand, extending an invitation to dinner, sharing good books, making people laugh, and leaving positive quote cards for people who need them to take them.

We are only here for a finite amount of time and I plan to make the most of mine.  This year I want to help others see more light, do more good, and smile more.

Imagine how different life would be if we could all slow down just a little bit and be more of a blessing to others when we see them needing it most.

Find Your People

Find your people.

I'm not talking about people who are the same race, gender, income bracket, career, age, etc.

I'm not talking about people who are necessarily stronger, faster, more skilled, better cooks, professional seamstresses, prettier, or smarter.

I'm talking about people who make you better.

I'm talking about people who are just there to be your people.  There's no competition, there's no comparing, there's just listening, laughing, learning, and companionship.

I hadn't been to church in a while, and I decided it was time to recommit to going every week.  This Sunday the message was about being a part of a circle or a group- because we just need people.  Whenever I leave church, I usually feel inspired to write on here, I end up taking out my phone and jotting down a bunch of notes on my iPhone notes to remember for later.  My mind is literally working in overdrive after I leave church, usually full of ideas of how I can be better.

The message at church always makes me better, the pastor is my people.

About two weeks ago, I met with some friends at crossfit to learn how to knit (yes, I realize, I'm not 70).  It was a skill I had never been taught and I wanted to learn.  Our group consists of ladies in age from 26- over 50- we have a great time and laugh- maybe I'll never knit a perfect scarf, but that group makes me better.  I never feel like I am comparing myself or judging anyone, it is just a time to get together and laugh, learn, and be.

Crossknit is my new people.

Ok, I mentioned it, crossfit... Crossfit people make me better (not all but most)... choose your people. Move around the room and try different classes until you find your people.  The ones who will not judge you when you partially pee your pants during  double unders, the ones who will freak out when you get your first pull up, the ones who could give a care that you are using the trainer bar, or that you moved as slow as molasses, the ones who ask you how your day was- those are your people.

Crossfit has always been my people.

A friend and I took a cooking class together- we are not professional chefs.  We learned some new techniques, ate amazing food, but most importantly we had fun.  We laughed and talked and decided we would try to get together and cook more because we are each other's people.  We left feeling happy and inspired, instead of putting ourselves down that our food would never taste like that.

Friends and family are my people.

Go out and find your people, they are out there in all shapes, colors, sizes, and languages.

You make your own choices and it's up to you who your people are.  Find those people who can make you laugh, who you can be yourself around and who inspire you to be greater.  Those people who when you leave their presence, you still have a smile on your face.  Those people who don't even care that you have cat print leggings on.

Find your people and start living to be you.