Stop Apologizing

I'm here for what seems like my yearly post.

I'm not going to apologize for not getting in here more often.   Lately, I have felt called to write.

I'm moving soon.  I'm writing 200+ letters, one to every member at the gym I'm leaving.  This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote.  I think it applies to many.

I did not ask you to join the box.  You decided to.

I did not ask you to be a member of this class.  You wanted to.

I did not make you come to class.  You motivated yourself.

I did not ask you to learn olympic lifts.  You hoped to.

I did not ask you to push yourself to your limits.  You decided to.

Don't apologize to me for anything.

You are here because you want to be.

I am happy you are here.

There is no mistake that our paths have crossed.

Your apology is not necessary.

No one walks in the door and knows what they are doing.  That's why we are all here.

Your lift was not perfect.  I know.  (No one's is).  Don't apologize that I had to come fix something.  That is part of my job.

My goal isn't to make you an expert, world class olympic lifter....  My goal is to make you confident, strong, and capable- just like I know you are.

You were put on this Earth with a purpose.  You came in here looking for something.  Find it.

Every time you walk through that door,  you are a little bit better.  My job is to keep making that happen.

Stop apologizing and start growing.  Reach for bigger and better things.

Be unapologetically you!

Vulnerability

No doubt about it, life is hard.  Add kids, house, work, spouse travel, pets, etc into the mix and it's just a wild ride.

A few months ago, my husband left on a Sunday for a work trip to Japan.  In the morning, I let the kids play video games while I got stuff done.  In the afternoon, we went bowling, ate pizza, and went grocery shopping.  In the evening, I hid the video games so they would not cause a distraction while we got ourselves ready for the week.  One of my kids was not having it and lost his ever loving S4!+!!!  He could not understand that it went deeper than me not trusting him to play it, but I needed the assurance it wouldn't be an issue because single parenting five kids and lots of dogs and getting ready for the week is no joke in itself.

The issue presented much worse of a problem, he stepped himself right up on a pedestal and fed me many lines that I care not to ever hear again in my life.  I'm not even sure where he came up with half of it.  At first I did my parenting best to ignore him and not react.  Then, I progressed to taking deep breaths and keeping my composure while I kindly told him over and over again, "dad's away, if it gives me one less thing to worry about, I will put the game away".   What I wanted to do was put a paper bag over my head with a giant smiley face painted on the outside.  After about ten minutes of his rage, during which I was accused of being the most likely cause of him failing out of college, becoming a homeless person with no self control that would probably resort to drinking, something inside of me snapped.

I walked over to the xbox, ripped out all the cords, lifted it up, and dropped it to the ground.  The xbox lost that battle- it shattered into about 99 pieces.  Everyone was scared- except him- the argument wasn't about the xbox so of course the point wasn't received by him, except that I was a lunatic.  He went upstairs to his room where I banished him for the evening or until he could calm down and rationally talk to me.

At this moment, I can say I had never felt so alone in my entire life- it is up there with the darkest moment I have had.  Not only was my husband away, but my family is halfway across the country.  Not many of my close friends have kids the same age as mine, so sometimes it's hard to commiserate.  I began analyzing everything about myself- was I a good parent, if I called a friend- would they think I was crazy, I was not a good role model for anger management since I just broke a 250$ game, of all the 200+ parenting books at the store, not a one could fix this situation... or could they- must get more books, was Dave going to be afraid to leave me home alone with the kids again, how could I have handled this differently...

My other kids were immediately by my side asking if I was ok, reassuring me they didn't use the xbox anyways so they weren't mad I broke it.  I went up after a while and apologized to my son for my rash behavior, but not for hiding the other video game.  I told him he didn't have to understand my decisions but he had better respect them.  Next time, I'll send him to his room right away and let him calm down there.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am real.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  I don't want anyone to think I am either.  Being vulnerable allows me to be real. I hope that it will help other people be real too.  The more real stories I hear, the more OK I am with my choices, actions, and situations I find myself in.

I want my kids to know I struggled so that when they struggle, they are not afraid of it or embarrassed by it.

I make food and desserts that are delicious.

I exercise and keep in shape.

I can sew and take photos.

I am a great friend.

I love my family.

I love my pets.

I am real.

I get mad.  I get pissed off. I swear.

I don't always know how to control my anger around my kids.

I have broken things.

I am a human being that is not perfect.

I am vulnerable.

I Am My Own Motivation

I am my own motivation.

I want to be better, for me, not for you.

Each day when I walk through those doors, gear in hand, ready to work, it's for me, not for you.

I am the one who feels what I feel.

There's a voice in my head, mostly good, sometimes bad.  I am the boss of that voice.  I motivate me.

I am the one that listens to that voice in my head.  I can control it.  I motivate me.

Sometimes I'm angry, I need to clear my head, so I move weight and move a lot.

It's not about the score, the time, the muscles, the status, or look, it's about me being ok with being me.

I want to move really fast for me, it's not to beat you.

If you beat me or even if you don't, you are you and I am me.  What you did, how fast or how many has nothing to do with motivating me.

I may finish first or towards the end.  In the end it doesn't matter, because I know me, I give it my all, and I always finish on top of my own scoreboard when I'm being the best version of me.

I am not the best, I may never be.  But that's ok, because I'm ok being me.

Each day when I walk out those doors, sweaty gear in hand, I know I did work, mostly work on me.  How fast or how many truly doesn't matter because I became better.  Better at being me.

When the clock beeps go and you only focus on you, you will be amazed at the things you can do.

The less you concern yourself with me him or her, the more you will learn to motivate you.

If I leave all sweaty, out of breath, with nothing more left to give, I won.

It's not about me vs. you him or her.  It's me vs. me and you vs. you.

Ten Seconds

I saw an awesome movie tonight- Race.  It was about Jesse Owens- and I highly recommend it.

Jesse was black and in college during the 1930's when racism was high around the world.  He was asked to take a stand for black people and the jewish people in Germany and not go to the Olympics. He offered this in retort- (sorry not a direct quote because I can't remember it word for word- but it gets the point across).

"for ten seconds, when I'm on the track, it's about fast and slow, it's not about black or white- for ten seconds I'm free"

When I'm doing a wod or out for a run, during those times, it's just about me.

I don't have 10,000 drop offs and pick ups, it doesn't matter that my sink is full of dishes, or that I was just awarded Worst Mom in the World.

I am not concerned that my bathrooms are overdue to be clean.

I don't care about making dinner.

Those black circles under my eyes mean nothing when I have no mirror for them to stare back at me.

I am not 40.

I am not short, tall, or anything- I just am.

When the clock turns on, my mind is free and I just work.  It is my chance to just be me, with no subtitles.

There are no problems and no worries when the clock turns on.

When the clock turns on, all my troubles seem to disappear.

For those five to twenty minutes, it's just about me.

The wod doesn't talk back, it doesn't judge, it doesn't reflect, it doesn't ask for too much, it doesn't leave messes for me to clean up, and it doesn't care- it does what I want it to and it lets me be me.

When the clock turns on, I just work.

Whether it's for ten seconds or twenty minutes, when the clock turns on and the wod starts, I am free.

Be A Blessing

Typically I make a detailed list of things I want to accomplish for the year.  This year, I am being more broad and decided I just want to be more of a blessing to others.

My kids are getting a little older (and a tiny bit less needy)- and I feel like I have a little more time now to give to others.  I also want my kids to be involved in this.  I'm not talking about going on a mission trip or even committing to an organization, I'm just talking about being a Plain old blessing.

How am I going to be a blessing?  Well, it's not planned out, it's just going to happen- kind of like a lot of random acts of kindness, except some won't be random.

A few years ago, when I turned 36, I spent my birthday doing 36 Random Acts of Kindness, except they weren't all random because I had to plan them out to make sure I did them, and honestly by the end of the day, I was tired.  I did a lot of good, fun things, but it kind of became a chore to get that number.

Life gets hard and can bring you down sometimes.  There seems to always be some new upsetting story on the news.  There needs to be more good in this world and I plan on doing my part to make that happen.

My goal is to bring a smile to more people's faces.  I cannot say all the ways I can do this, but when I'm in the situation, I will know what to do.

That day I did the 36 acts of kindness, one thing I did-which I plan to do more of, was hung up a sign with slips of paper to tear off, that said "need a smile, take one" and I had my daughter draw smiley faces on it- it still makes me smile to think about it.

Being a blessing can be as simple as saying "hello, how are you today", showing that I care and notice a person.

I plan to write more letters to my grandmother- she's 86 and she lives alone- I know what a blessing it would be for her to receive hand written letters.

Other ideas I have in the back of my mind are delivering dinner to a friend, holding doors, asking more questions, remembering details during a conversation, giving more compliments, writing letters, sending birthday cards, lending a hand, extending an invitation to dinner, sharing good books, making people laugh, and leaving positive quote cards for people who need them to take them.

We are only here for a finite amount of time and I plan to make the most of mine.  This year I want to help others see more light, do more good, and smile more.

Imagine how different life would be if we could all slow down just a little bit and be more of a blessing to others when we see them needing it most.

To Feel Like a Winner

My son's football team lost every single game this season.  EVERY SINGLE ONE.  The team he was on last year made it to the Super Bowl and lost by one touch down.

Do I see a difference in his attitude at the end of the season this year versus last..absolutely not!

Last year he got about 3 touchdowns per game, this year he had 0 the entire season.  Would it have felt great for him to get one?  Sure... but does he care, NO! (so why should I).

If I were to ask him, "Son, do you feel like a winner or a loser?"- he would say neither.  He did not ask me to sign him up for football to be a winner or a loser.  He signed up to learn how to play, to make friends, and to have fun doing something he loves.

The thing he was the most upset about the season being over was that he won't get to go to practice anymore.  Sure, he can toss a ball in the yard, but you need a team to be on and a team to play against to have a game- win or lose, he just wants to be around others with the same interests.

I've been hearing parents say things about the coaches and about the league- and I'm wondering how many of them are looking in the mirror.  There are three factors involved here with the kids' attitudes and efforts- the kids themselves and what they hold within their hearts, their coaches and how they work with the team, and the parents' and what they say and how they react while their children are on and off the field.

As for the kid:  the kid that loves the sport, win or lose, is going to want to show up day in and day out.  My son freaked out if he wasn't at the field at 430 everyday for a 530 practice.  On days with no practice, he asks to go to the field to throw the ball around.  Everyday, his backpack barely zips because he brings a ball with him.  Whether his team won or lost on the weekend, he was still rearing to go to practice the following Tuesday.

Coaches, it's up to you to learn how to handle each player effectively. Use the right balance of encouragement and discipline.  To learn from mistakes and teach the kids how to get better.  Your words are ringing in their ears out on the field.

Parents:  your kid wants nothing more than to make you proud.  If you place so much emphasis on the team winning or your kid making a fabulous play, they might lose focus and instead of just playing and having fun, they're going to cave under the pressure.  I'm guilty.  I told my son if the team won yesterday I would take him and his friend to the movies.  I'm sure that's why he was crying on the way home- not because they lost, but because he "disappointed" me and now he couldn't go to the movies.  Take a step back and think, who is more upset about the loss, my kid or me...is my kid really into football or am I playing vicariously through them?

I was a competitive athlete growing up, and as an adult I still am.  I do well because I want to, not because anyone bribes me.  My parents did not always come to all of my track meets, but I still did well.  They never asked me to get first place.  They were never upset if our team didn't win meets- they didn't care because I was having fun.  As an adult, my husband does not say "get first in the competition today or don't come home".

If I don't win a competition, I do not blame myself, I do not blame the coaches at my crossfit box, and I do not blame my teammates.  I leave knowing I tried my best and learn what I need to do better for next time.

The glory of a win only lasts for so long.

So, back to the title of this post, "To Feel Like A Winner".

One of our parents said in a fury last night, "to feel like a winner, you have to win.  If you are always losing, you feel like a loser."

It's all about perspective.  In football, there are two teams, one will win and one will lose- inevitable.  Go do a 5K, there are hundreds, sometimes thousands of people, out of them only one wins- yet people keep showing up to these races.  If they all considered themselves losers, since only one of them is going to win, what's the point of showing up.  Who wants to legit make themself feel like a loser?

Here's how you feel like a winner- GET A NEW ATTITUDE!  Train hard, practice things you love with people you love, push yourself, make mistakes, and stop being negative.  Losing is sometimes the best thing that can happen- it builds character, it shows integrity when you come back the next week, and it gives you a clear picture on things you need to improve on.

I got 99 problems and my son's 10U football team winning a game ain't one!!!