Talk About Suicide

Twas the night before my moving truck was coming to pack us up and move us half way across the country.  I received a phone call from my son's guidance counselor alerting me that one of his friends had come forward to let her know my son had a suicide plan and date.

A few months prior to this call, my husband received a notification that my son's email received a bunch of suicide memes.  He immediately confronted him, to which he said they were just for humor (since when is suicide the type of humor anyone would want to read).  We started probing him more, and alerted his therapist.

Upon further investigation, suicide was mentioned in some texts to his friends and group chats.  This whole time, I'm wondering, why aren't these kids speaking up... how come no one is seeking help for my son.  I know the high schools have programs to let kids know the warning signs of suicide and to seek help.  So, why weren't any of them speaking up?

They are afraid to speak up!!! They don't want to be the bad guy or the non-trustworthy one. They don't think their friend would do it.

Sometimes we, the parents, are afraid to speak up as well. It took me quite some time to be able to tell someone that my son had been talking about suicide (besides his therapist of course).  I finally mentioned something to one of his friends' moms.  I began to wonder, will she think I'm a bad mom, will she not allow her child to spend time with mine anymore, will she think my child is a misfit?...  Then, I said to myself, "self, you're the mom, there's nothing to be embarrassed about and the hardest part of your job right now is to keep this kid alive and get help."

Our kids need to be brave for their friends and for themselves.  They need to realize that suicidal speak is a cry for help, it's not ok to hide, and it does not make them a bad friend for speaking up. Having a bad day, a break up, a failed social media post, or feeling bad about yourself in general does not warrant a death wish.  It is a tremendous burden to carry, hearing that your friend wants to end their life and worrying what to do about it.

We need to be able to talk about it, for our kids and for ourselves.  Recently, I have spoken openly about what my son has been going through and I was completely taken aback by the number of people who have also dealt with similar situations with their own children or even themselves.  I have a friend that openly talked with me about being severely depressed to help me better understand where my son was coming from.  This has been the hardest year of my life.  Sometimes the people standing with a smile on their face have the darkest things going on inside.  Take the time to talk and listen to your friends and family. I felt alone and dark for quite some time, until I finally realized I was setting myself in my own bubble.  By talking about it, I no longer feel alone and realized how many others need similar support.

This year, my son has had two plans for suicide.  The second time around, his friends called me, texted me, and even sent me screen shots of a secret instagram I didn't know about.  They learned from the first time around, that I wasn't going to freak out at them and that in fact their voice meant potentially saving a life.  As much as I hate social media and my kids' ability to spend way too much time on it, it did give my son an avenue to voice what otherwise may have been kept inside and hidden from me until it was too late.

We all want to think we are doing the right thing and our kids wouldn't think like that.  Trust me, I consider myself a professional motivator, I gave up caffeine when I was pregnant, I made my son homemade baby food, I breast fed him, he was reading at age 4, he has many many privileges, we have lived around the world... how could he be depressed.  I don't know, but he is and here we are.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they begin to understand their own feelings.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they may be brave enough to save a friend.

Talk to your kids about suicide because if you don't, someone else will and the message may be completely different.  With social media these days, there is so much twisted information out there for your kids.. who do you want them to form themselves from, you or complete strangers.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they understand what happens on the other side to all those left behind to pick up the pieces.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they know how to get help if they need it.

Talk to your kids about suicide because you love them.

Talk about suicide because as much as you think you're alone, you're not.

Suicide is now the second leading cause of death among teens in NC.  I can tell you one thing, my son isn't going to be a statistic.

Vulnerability

No doubt about it, life is hard.  Add kids, house, work, spouse travel, pets, etc into the mix and it's just a wild ride.

A few months ago, my husband left on a Sunday for a work trip to Japan.  In the morning, I let the kids play video games while I got stuff done.  In the afternoon, we went bowling, ate pizza, and went grocery shopping.  In the evening, I hid the video games so they would not cause a distraction while we got ourselves ready for the week.  One of my kids was not having it and lost his ever loving S4!+!!!  He could not understand that it went deeper than me not trusting him to play it, but I needed the assurance it wouldn't be an issue because single parenting five kids and lots of dogs and getting ready for the week is no joke in itself.

The issue presented much worse of a problem, he stepped himself right up on a pedestal and fed me many lines that I care not to ever hear again in my life.  I'm not even sure where he came up with half of it.  At first I did my parenting best to ignore him and not react.  Then, I progressed to taking deep breaths and keeping my composure while I kindly told him over and over again, "dad's away, if it gives me one less thing to worry about, I will put the game away".   What I wanted to do was put a paper bag over my head with a giant smiley face painted on the outside.  After about ten minutes of his rage, during which I was accused of being the most likely cause of him failing out of college, becoming a homeless person with no self control that would probably resort to drinking, something inside of me snapped.

I walked over to the xbox, ripped out all the cords, lifted it up, and dropped it to the ground.  The xbox lost that battle- it shattered into about 99 pieces.  Everyone was scared- except him- the argument wasn't about the xbox so of course the point wasn't received by him, except that I was a lunatic.  He went upstairs to his room where I banished him for the evening or until he could calm down and rationally talk to me.

At this moment, I can say I had never felt so alone in my entire life- it is up there with the darkest moment I have had.  Not only was my husband away, but my family is halfway across the country.  Not many of my close friends have kids the same age as mine, so sometimes it's hard to commiserate.  I began analyzing everything about myself- was I a good parent, if I called a friend- would they think I was crazy, I was not a good role model for anger management since I just broke a 250$ game, of all the 200+ parenting books at the store, not a one could fix this situation... or could they- must get more books, was Dave going to be afraid to leave me home alone with the kids again, how could I have handled this differently...

My other kids were immediately by my side asking if I was ok, reassuring me they didn't use the xbox anyways so they weren't mad I broke it.  I went up after a while and apologized to my son for my rash behavior, but not for hiding the other video game.  I told him he didn't have to understand my decisions but he had better respect them.  Next time, I'll send him to his room right away and let him calm down there.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am real.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  I don't want anyone to think I am either.  Being vulnerable allows me to be real. I hope that it will help other people be real too.  The more real stories I hear, the more OK I am with my choices, actions, and situations I find myself in.

I want my kids to know I struggled so that when they struggle, they are not afraid of it or embarrassed by it.

I make food and desserts that are delicious.

I exercise and keep in shape.

I can sew and take photos.

I am a great friend.

I love my family.

I love my pets.

I am real.

I get mad.  I get pissed off. I swear.

I don't always know how to control my anger around my kids.

I have broken things.

I am a human being that is not perfect.

I am vulnerable.

You Can't Do Everything

I can't do everything and neither can you.  We're not supposed to, it's just not possible.

I do a lot of things and I can do a lot of them well.  Sometimes I just think I can do it all.  I end up calculating my day, using every spare minute, to fit stuff in.  I tended to rush a lot.  I'm trying to learn how to slow down and realize it's ok to not get stuff done.

The past few years, as my kids have gotten older (and busier), I've had to stop pursuing a lot of my hobbies, due to lack of time.  I try to squeeze stuff in when I find a spare minute (which is totally rare).  Between my two jobs, my husbands work, the five kids schedules, laundry, dishes, and dinner, I have no time.

Things I will not give up are working out, making dessert, going to church on Sunday, educating myself to be better at my jobs, and spending time with my family.  Things I have to do sparingly, sew,  make new foods, crafts, and organize my house.

The main thing that I just don't care about, but it eats away at me, is my house.  I have a big house and it's a nice house, but every damn flat surface is covered with stuff.  I find I just don't care about dedicating the time necessary to get rid of all the stuff and make it look welcoming, calm, and neat.  When people come over (cable guy today), I always scuffle around, trying to recycle all the random papers the kids left lying around, or put away the Christmas sign that's been lying on the floor collecting dust for a month because I couldn't be bothered to take it to the basement.

My house stresses me out. There is plenty of space to put stuff away, yet, I, as one person, cannot be constantly responsible for putting away the stuff of 7 people.  I find myself in a panic if someone is coming over that they are going to thing I'm a slob.  Mind you, my house is not dirty, there is just a lot of random stuff.  Like I said, I have a lot of hobbies, and I know I'll probably never do many of them again- but given my lack of time, I just don't have enough time to spend sorting, recycling, good willing, etc.

The scary thing to me is that I probably do go to good will about every other week with three bags.  I put all my kids off season clothes in bins in the storage room in the basement, I have about 12 bins full of stuff to sell at a consignment sale, and I always put my holiday decor away in bins too.  So, what's all the junk laying around my house?  Crafts, work books, coloring books, toys, puzzles, old homeschool stuff, tiny pieces, games, art supplies, fabric- yes a lot of it's my kids and they definitely don't need it all. Envision five kids x five birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays where it seems to be customary to don them with cheap thrills to last a minute and burden me for years.

I have a few boxes that are not even unpacked from when I moved here almost six years ago.  A lot of the stuff I have, I have not used since I've lived here.  One issue is I will unpack a box, or start cleaning a room and then I get distracted and have to stop to go make dinner, help with homework, break up a fight, police a cell phone, or go to work.  The next thing I know, my five year old tornado daughter is into everything and I'm back to square one.

I have tried lots of different things, 15 minutes per day until a room is completely organized, move everything out of a room and put it back in, get all the organization containers, have like three organization books, and even lately, just trying to prioritize and focus on which room is most important to me to have clean and welcoming.  I can't decide between my office, since I spend time working in there, my bedroom, since that's supposed to be where I relax, or my front room because that is what I see whenever I enter my house.


I have made a lot of progress over the years, but not as much as I would hope.  Sometimes when I walk into my friends' houses, I get jealous, like seriously, how do they do it?  I even have a cleaning lady come once a month (hence the not dirty part).  However, seriously, I'm not sure I'd know what to do if everything was put away and all surfaces were clear.  I am trying to enjoy my kids being young and it's who they/we are, but I don't know how all of you with kids do it.  I give you mad props.

In the same aspect, I know many people have commented to me about how in shape I am, or that I can sew, or bake cupcakes from scratch.  I know I can't do everything--so I try not to feel bad about not living in a Pinterest type home-- because I know I'm spending my free time differently than others.

We all have our things we just decide aren't that important.  Stop beating yourself up about things that you never get to.  There are only so many waking minutes in a day, choose to spend your free time doing things that make you happy and better.  If something isn't getting done that stresses you out, ask someone to help you, or maybe spend one day devoting all of your time to it, so you can cross it off your list and be done with it.

The thing I am not good at is decorating my house and keeping it clutter free.  I can't do everything and I'm ok with it and so should you.