Talk About Suicide

Twas the night before my moving truck was coming to pack us up and move us half way across the country.  I received a phone call from my son's guidance counselor alerting me that one of his friends had come forward to let her know my son had a suicide plan and date.

A few months prior to this call, my husband received a notification that my son's email received a bunch of suicide memes.  He immediately confronted him, to which he said they were just for humor (since when is suicide the type of humor anyone would want to read).  We started probing him more, and alerted his therapist.

Upon further investigation, suicide was mentioned in some texts to his friends and group chats.  This whole time, I'm wondering, why aren't these kids speaking up... how come no one is seeking help for my son.  I know the high schools have programs to let kids know the warning signs of suicide and to seek help.  So, why weren't any of them speaking up?

They are afraid to speak up!!! They don't want to be the bad guy or the non-trustworthy one. They don't think their friend would do it.

Sometimes we, the parents, are afraid to speak up as well. It took me quite some time to be able to tell someone that my son had been talking about suicide (besides his therapist of course).  I finally mentioned something to one of his friends' moms.  I began to wonder, will she think I'm a bad mom, will she not allow her child to spend time with mine anymore, will she think my child is a misfit?...  Then, I said to myself, "self, you're the mom, there's nothing to be embarrassed about and the hardest part of your job right now is to keep this kid alive and get help."

Our kids need to be brave for their friends and for themselves.  They need to realize that suicidal speak is a cry for help, it's not ok to hide, and it does not make them a bad friend for speaking up. Having a bad day, a break up, a failed social media post, or feeling bad about yourself in general does not warrant a death wish.  It is a tremendous burden to carry, hearing that your friend wants to end their life and worrying what to do about it.

We need to be able to talk about it, for our kids and for ourselves.  Recently, I have spoken openly about what my son has been going through and I was completely taken aback by the number of people who have also dealt with similar situations with their own children or even themselves.  I have a friend that openly talked with me about being severely depressed to help me better understand where my son was coming from.  This has been the hardest year of my life.  Sometimes the people standing with a smile on their face have the darkest things going on inside.  Take the time to talk and listen to your friends and family. I felt alone and dark for quite some time, until I finally realized I was setting myself in my own bubble.  By talking about it, I no longer feel alone and realized how many others need similar support.

This year, my son has had two plans for suicide.  The second time around, his friends called me, texted me, and even sent me screen shots of a secret instagram I didn't know about.  They learned from the first time around, that I wasn't going to freak out at them and that in fact their voice meant potentially saving a life.  As much as I hate social media and my kids' ability to spend way too much time on it, it did give my son an avenue to voice what otherwise may have been kept inside and hidden from me until it was too late.

We all want to think we are doing the right thing and our kids wouldn't think like that.  Trust me, I consider myself a professional motivator, I gave up caffeine when I was pregnant, I made my son homemade baby food, I breast fed him, he was reading at age 4, he has many many privileges, we have lived around the world... how could he be depressed.  I don't know, but he is and here we are.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they begin to understand their own feelings.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they may be brave enough to save a friend.

Talk to your kids about suicide because if you don't, someone else will and the message may be completely different.  With social media these days, there is so much twisted information out there for your kids.. who do you want them to form themselves from, you or complete strangers.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they understand what happens on the other side to all those left behind to pick up the pieces.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they know how to get help if they need it.

Talk to your kids about suicide because you love them.

Talk about suicide because as much as you think you're alone, you're not.

Suicide is now the second leading cause of death among teens in NC.  I can tell you one thing, my son isn't going to be a statistic.

Vulnerability

No doubt about it, life is hard.  Add kids, house, work, spouse travel, pets, etc into the mix and it's just a wild ride.

A few months ago, my husband left on a Sunday for a work trip to Japan.  In the morning, I let the kids play video games while I got stuff done.  In the afternoon, we went bowling, ate pizza, and went grocery shopping.  In the evening, I hid the video games so they would not cause a distraction while we got ourselves ready for the week.  One of my kids was not having it and lost his ever loving S4!+!!!  He could not understand that it went deeper than me not trusting him to play it, but I needed the assurance it wouldn't be an issue because single parenting five kids and lots of dogs and getting ready for the week is no joke in itself.

The issue presented much worse of a problem, he stepped himself right up on a pedestal and fed me many lines that I care not to ever hear again in my life.  I'm not even sure where he came up with half of it.  At first I did my parenting best to ignore him and not react.  Then, I progressed to taking deep breaths and keeping my composure while I kindly told him over and over again, "dad's away, if it gives me one less thing to worry about, I will put the game away".   What I wanted to do was put a paper bag over my head with a giant smiley face painted on the outside.  After about ten minutes of his rage, during which I was accused of being the most likely cause of him failing out of college, becoming a homeless person with no self control that would probably resort to drinking, something inside of me snapped.

I walked over to the xbox, ripped out all the cords, lifted it up, and dropped it to the ground.  The xbox lost that battle- it shattered into about 99 pieces.  Everyone was scared- except him- the argument wasn't about the xbox so of course the point wasn't received by him, except that I was a lunatic.  He went upstairs to his room where I banished him for the evening or until he could calm down and rationally talk to me.

At this moment, I can say I had never felt so alone in my entire life- it is up there with the darkest moment I have had.  Not only was my husband away, but my family is halfway across the country.  Not many of my close friends have kids the same age as mine, so sometimes it's hard to commiserate.  I began analyzing everything about myself- was I a good parent, if I called a friend- would they think I was crazy, I was not a good role model for anger management since I just broke a 250$ game, of all the 200+ parenting books at the store, not a one could fix this situation... or could they- must get more books, was Dave going to be afraid to leave me home alone with the kids again, how could I have handled this differently...

My other kids were immediately by my side asking if I was ok, reassuring me they didn't use the xbox anyways so they weren't mad I broke it.  I went up after a while and apologized to my son for my rash behavior, but not for hiding the other video game.  I told him he didn't have to understand my decisions but he had better respect them.  Next time, I'll send him to his room right away and let him calm down there.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am real.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  I don't want anyone to think I am either.  Being vulnerable allows me to be real. I hope that it will help other people be real too.  The more real stories I hear, the more OK I am with my choices, actions, and situations I find myself in.

I want my kids to know I struggled so that when they struggle, they are not afraid of it or embarrassed by it.

I make food and desserts that are delicious.

I exercise and keep in shape.

I can sew and take photos.

I am a great friend.

I love my family.

I love my pets.

I am real.

I get mad.  I get pissed off. I swear.

I don't always know how to control my anger around my kids.

I have broken things.

I am a human being that is not perfect.

I am vulnerable.

Present

I don't have a New Year's Resolution per say.

I've talked about a lot of things I want to do this year.  But really, it all boils down to one word- present.

Present: noun:  at or during this time, now

I will live in the present.  I think my new motto is going to be "Live for Today".

I'm going to try to stop telling my kids how their behaviors are going to affect them when they are 50, etc.  I'm not going to worry that the mistake they made today is an indication of what is going to happen when they are 21.  I'm going to let go of what happened yesterday, because the sun went down on yesterday- today is a new beginning.

Present:  adj:  existing or occurring now

I am going to be present.

I will go to all my kids school events, sports stuff, and activities.  They will see me when they look out into the audience.

I will be present.  I will pay attention when talking with people and not be distracted by things such as my phone or Facebook.  I will not be consumed with gossip and meaningless babble.  I will have meaningful relationships, where I play an active role, listen, and comfort.

Present:  noun:  a gift

I will give presents to people.

I want to be a gift and blessing to the people around me.  The world needs more love and kindness and I intend to do my part to help others, even when they don't ask.

Present:  verb: to formally talk about something to a group of people

I will present myself with confidence.

I want to be a better coach, wife, mom, friend, and photographer.   I will be a better teacher and leader by how I present myself and what I am presenting.  This means I will spend more time on fine details, and take more time to do and learn things better, so I can present them in a clear and understandable way.

Present: verb:  to offer to show

I will present delicious meals to my family and friends.

I will learn new cooking techniques and use new foods to present appetizing, healthy, fulfilling meals to family and friends.  Most of the times I have friends over, we end up hanging out in the kitchen.  Many social events involve eating- food is a big deal.  I will be presenting new and intriguing meals to provide warmth, fulfillment, and joy to those who gather in my home.

My New Year's Word is present.