Small things

 Last weekend, we took a quick family getaway to the beach before fall schedules take over our lives.

Saturday morning, I saw a man walk off the beach with three large conch shells.  He said he found them right there, and he was out there early.  I wanted to find one too so I spent most of my time that day at the beach searching for shells.  The waves were very rough at the beach due to the incoming storms, so the kids weren't in the water too much.  I invited them to find shells with me- I offered a reward to the person that found the largest in tact shell.

Two of my kids asked me if we could be the first ones on the beach the next morning so we would have a better chance of finding the largest shell.  The low tide was at 4:15 AM, so they asked if we could get up at 5:15 to head out.

The next morning, I got up at 5:30 AM and to my surprise, the kids were up ready to go to the beach. We headed out to the beach, it was so dark and beautiful.  We were the first ones on the beach.  I was so fixated on finding a large shell, I kept flashing my light looking for a big object.  After 45 minutes of searching, all we had found was a hollowed out decrepit skeleton of a small conch shell and many broken tops.

I actually found myself starting to pray to God that we would find a shell-- then I stopped because I felt ridiculous that I would pray to find a shell.  I had built up my kids so much that we would definitely find a shell, since the man the day before had found 3.  I was worried they would get frustrated and want to leave, but I secretly enjoyed spending the time with them and we were having fun.  Then, I remembered that I heard that no prayer is too large or too small for God.  So,  I started my prayer over and asked God to help us find a shell, so they could experience its beauty and see that there is so much life outside of their phones.

By this time, there were four other people on the beach, each heading in directions opposite to where we were.  We were in an area with lots of debris and had searched it pretty heavily.  I finally got frustrated and said "great, those people up ahead are going to find the shells before us."  My son said, "Mom why are you so worried about finding a big one, the chances of finding a small one are just the same as finding a big one...what's wrong with a small one?"

Then, he looked down, and goes "see mom look, don't forget about the small things", and picks up a beautiful small, completely intact conch shell, right next to his foot.  I couldn't believe it.  We had stood in that area searching for several minutes and no sooner do I say my prayer, than this shell should appear.

I do believe God placed this shell at my son's foot.  He wanted me to know he is with him, even in my moments of doubt, even in his moments of doubt and weakness.  He is with us, I just need to trust.

No prayer is too small or too large.

No prayer is too silly.

The outcome of a situation you pray for may not be obvious until later, sometimes a lot later.

Stop focusing so much on big things.

Stop trying to predict outcomes.

Stop trying to think you know what you're supposed to see or hear.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

Stop worrying.

Start living in the moment.

Start enjoying.

Start appreciating all the small things.

Start opening your eyes.

Start seeing everything, because the one thing you think you're supposed to be looking for may be blocking you from the real treasure.

Talk About Suicide

Twas the night before my moving truck was coming to pack us up and move us half way across the country.  I received a phone call from my son's guidance counselor alerting me that one of his friends had come forward to let her know my son had a suicide plan and date.

A few months prior to this call, my husband received a notification that my son's email received a bunch of suicide memes.  He immediately confronted him, to which he said they were just for humor (since when is suicide the type of humor anyone would want to read).  We started probing him more, and alerted his therapist.

Upon further investigation, suicide was mentioned in some texts to his friends and group chats.  This whole time, I'm wondering, why aren't these kids speaking up... how come no one is seeking help for my son.  I know the high schools have programs to let kids know the warning signs of suicide and to seek help.  So, why weren't any of them speaking up?

They are afraid to speak up!!! They don't want to be the bad guy or the non-trustworthy one. They don't think their friend would do it.

Sometimes we, the parents, are afraid to speak up as well. It took me quite some time to be able to tell someone that my son had been talking about suicide (besides his therapist of course).  I finally mentioned something to one of his friends' moms.  I began to wonder, will she think I'm a bad mom, will she not allow her child to spend time with mine anymore, will she think my child is a misfit?...  Then, I said to myself, "self, you're the mom, there's nothing to be embarrassed about and the hardest part of your job right now is to keep this kid alive and get help."

Our kids need to be brave for their friends and for themselves.  They need to realize that suicidal speak is a cry for help, it's not ok to hide, and it does not make them a bad friend for speaking up. Having a bad day, a break up, a failed social media post, or feeling bad about yourself in general does not warrant a death wish.  It is a tremendous burden to carry, hearing that your friend wants to end their life and worrying what to do about it.

We need to be able to talk about it, for our kids and for ourselves.  Recently, I have spoken openly about what my son has been going through and I was completely taken aback by the number of people who have also dealt with similar situations with their own children or even themselves.  I have a friend that openly talked with me about being severely depressed to help me better understand where my son was coming from.  This has been the hardest year of my life.  Sometimes the people standing with a smile on their face have the darkest things going on inside.  Take the time to talk and listen to your friends and family. I felt alone and dark for quite some time, until I finally realized I was setting myself in my own bubble.  By talking about it, I no longer feel alone and realized how many others need similar support.

This year, my son has had two plans for suicide.  The second time around, his friends called me, texted me, and even sent me screen shots of a secret instagram I didn't know about.  They learned from the first time around, that I wasn't going to freak out at them and that in fact their voice meant potentially saving a life.  As much as I hate social media and my kids' ability to spend way too much time on it, it did give my son an avenue to voice what otherwise may have been kept inside and hidden from me until it was too late.

We all want to think we are doing the right thing and our kids wouldn't think like that.  Trust me, I consider myself a professional motivator, I gave up caffeine when I was pregnant, I made my son homemade baby food, I breast fed him, he was reading at age 4, he has many many privileges, we have lived around the world... how could he be depressed.  I don't know, but he is and here we are.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they begin to understand their own feelings.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they may be brave enough to save a friend.

Talk to your kids about suicide because if you don't, someone else will and the message may be completely different.  With social media these days, there is so much twisted information out there for your kids.. who do you want them to form themselves from, you or complete strangers.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they understand what happens on the other side to all those left behind to pick up the pieces.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they know how to get help if they need it.

Talk to your kids about suicide because you love them.

Talk about suicide because as much as you think you're alone, you're not.

Suicide is now the second leading cause of death among teens in NC.  I can tell you one thing, my son isn't going to be a statistic.

Stop Apologizing

I'm here for what seems like my yearly post.

I'm not going to apologize for not getting in here more often.   Lately, I have felt called to write.

I'm moving soon.  I'm writing 200+ letters, one to every member at the gym I'm leaving.  This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote.  I think it applies to many.

I did not ask you to join the box.  You decided to.

I did not ask you to be a member of this class.  You wanted to.

I did not make you come to class.  You motivated yourself.

I did not ask you to learn olympic lifts.  You hoped to.

I did not ask you to push yourself to your limits.  You decided to.

Don't apologize to me for anything.

You are here because you want to be.

I am happy you are here.

There is no mistake that our paths have crossed.

Your apology is not necessary.

No one walks in the door and knows what they are doing.  That's why we are all here.

Your lift was not perfect.  I know.  (No one's is).  Don't apologize that I had to come fix something.  That is part of my job.

My goal isn't to make you an expert, world class olympic lifter....  My goal is to make you confident, strong, and capable- just like I know you are.

You were put on this Earth with a purpose.  You came in here looking for something.  Find it.

Every time you walk through that door,  you are a little bit better.  My job is to keep making that happen.

Stop apologizing and start growing.  Reach for bigger and better things.

Be unapologetically you!

Parental Controlling

Have you noticed how much time kids (and adults spend on devices)?

We just finished summer break and one thing I noticed was my kids did not really play with many board games, read many books, or even play outdoors or ask to go to the pool nearly as much as in the past.

They would wake up and immediately grab their phones or ask to play their xbox time.

I allow my kids to have technology.  We have an Xbox, a nintendo switch, a playstation 3, a nintendo Wii, a chromebook, and the teenagers have iPhones.

I find it difficult to regulate the amount of time they spend playing games or even staring at screens watching each other play or watching TV.   For each device, I set parental controls.  I will explain what I do for each device and how my kids try to go around it and what that led to.

My parental controls started with the iPhones.  I didn't want my kids to be looking at inappropriate things on the internet, especially youtube, or losing their innocence too early.  I searched endlessly for a parental control app that would allow me to limit content and restrict time usage on the phone.  The app I found best was Ourpact because it allows you to restrict individual apps by a schedule or by permanently blocking them.

Ourpact for the premium version costs a mere $4.95 per month and you can use it on all the mobile devices in your family.  The way it works is the parent downloads Ourpact on their phone and then you add a device to the app, and you need your child's phone or iPad while you are installing this.  It doesn't take long and their website guides you through the set up.  Once you install our pact on their phone, they get an ourpact Jr. app on theirs for them to "play and pause" the time you allow them to have.  In ourpact, for each device you are controlling, you have the opportunity to set time limits for usage of apps, such as games, tv, etc.  Then you have the opportunity to set time blocks, for example, my boys phones shut off at 9 pm (all apps I have on the schedule)- they magically disappear off their phone, and come back at 730 am (when they will be leaving for school)- this will keep them from being distracted by their phones while getting ready for school.  Sometimes, I set a midday block on the weekends just to force them to do something else.  You can also randomly decide to block their phone, like let's say it's dinner time and they are ignoring you, hit block until i say so and BOOM all their apps disappear, within ten seconds you will hear them complaining how they were in the middle of a game...  If they are being good and you are on a road trip or something, you can choose, ALLOW until I say so or even a set time, such as 30 min.  Another feature is you will be alerted anytime they add a new app on their phone, even if it's one your family has on the cloud.  This is how I figured out when my son downloaded the parent app for the switch and that is a story for the switch controls.  You can set each app to be available on their scheduled playing time (games etc), always available (phone, text, camera), or Never available (fortnite)- this allows you to block access to something they keep trying to re-download off the cloud.

Problems I have run into with ourpact- my son once downloaded the parent app for ourpact off the cloud and he figured out my password because it was the same one I always use.  They were logging in on his phone and changing settings to make their games always available or giving themselves extra time.  I eventually found out and he lost his phone for quite a while.  But I was able to permanently block him from accessing this again from the cloud.  The main issue I have with ourpact is if they have their time playing and they turn off the wifi, ourpact will stop working and will not kick them off when their time is up until they turn wifi back on- this is mainly a problem at the house.  This is what led me to other measures.  However ourpact is still worth it for the fact that I was able to permanently block fortnite off my sons' phone and i know when they are at sleepovers, their apps shut off at 9, and I can see anytime they get new apps.

Next, I bought a kitchen safe.  This looks like an oxo good grips container but it has a timer on top and locks on the sides.  If the kids are bad (like downloading ourpact on their phone)- I put their phone in the box and set the timer and it locks them in there, yes once it was 7 days.  Even if the batteries die, it will not unlock until the time is up.  You can fit game controllers in there too.

I listened to a podcast and this guy was talking about a device called BOB that he used to limit TV time for his kids.  I was very intrigued and ordered BOB off Amazon for 80$.  BOB is amazing.  You plug your monitor cord into it and lock it in with a key, the kids can't get it out.  You set a master code and then you are allowed to create 6 accounts, each account has it's own PIN and you can set daily or weekly tv time limits, as well as time frames for which they can use them.  Each of my kids has a PIN and 45 minutes of TV time.  This has been in effect for about 6 months now.  There is no fighting they actually will use each others pins if they are watching the same show.  It has eliminated many headaches.  If we are watching a movie, I set the 6th user for a longer time for the day and we use that.  It solved a small dilemma for me this summer because my kids were trying to use their 2 hours of xbox, 2 hours of phone, and 45 minutes of TV and to me, that's too much screen and not enough of life.  So, I had them use the xbox with the monitor plugged into the BOB, so they had to make the choice of watch TV or play the xbox.  Again, if they were good and I decided to let them play more xbox later, I can always add more time to BOB if they earned it.  The best part about BOB is if their time is up and they type in their PIN it shows the message of "go outside and do something fun".

The xbox one has parent controls.  They were not too hard to set up, but basically, the parent has to set up their account first and then add on all the kids.  When you add them in, it bills a small amt of money to your act to make sure it's real.  Once you have your kids linked to your microsoft account, you can set time blocks they are allowed to play in, time limits per day (I set 2 hours each weekend day and 0 on school days), you can set age limits and content limits, as well as block certain websites and games for your children.  You can also get a weekly report showing how much time your child plays and what games.  It will show you what devices as well.  Again, my son did login when he found my husband's password and changed the times, but, as long as I am diligent and check frequently, I reset it and then he gets grounded (when will he learn?).

Nintendo switch also has parent controls.  My husband can set these from his phone.  He can set daily time limits as well as content restriction (preschool means no fortnite if you know what I mean).  He can also check the daily time played on the device-- again, when we see 7 hours in a day, we know someone was messing with the system.  Kid we are on your trail!

The chrome book is difficult.  The kids (especially high schooler need it for homework).  It is a very inexpensive computer and that means less options for controlling stuff. I couldn't find a way to search history or block websites.  Last year, I spent sooo many nights constantly looking over my son's shoulder watching him quickly toggle off twitter or youtube and go back to google classroom to look like he was doing his HW.  I was very frustrated.  A friend of mine suggested going to the router itself to block content.

I found a device called router limits, which sounded perfect, but it wasn't compatible with my router.  I ended up going to the website of my router.  We have netgear nighthawk.  I did a quick search and found directions to set up parent controls.   I was able to set up parent controls and have an app on my computer and my phone. Once I had the router app on the devices, I had to create an account on openDNS.com- this is where you go in and set up restrictions and blocks.   I set up a block on youtube, twitter, and epic games(fortnite).  This mom isn't playing.  I can set up a bypass so I can still access youtube, which I do use for work, on my computer.  I can also set up time limits for the website restrictions and I can set up individual restrictions if I download the genie app on my kids' devices.  The openDNS works with my router to control what my wireless will allow.  If the kids are on data, I can't control their website, except through the phone and our pact.  I also can limit their data access with the verizon app.

I spent a lot of time reading and trying to find a perfect answer.  The problem is there are so many devices and ways around stuff.

A great resource for me was www.commonsensemedia.org.

I am currently reading Glow Kids, which is a great read about technology and what it is doing to our kids' developing minds.

None of these are perfect, but combined, I am sending a message to my kids that I'm watching, thinking, and caring about them and their future.  Kids will be kids, at least they are not looking at porn or drinking or doing drugs, but sometimes I wonder, is this just as bad.... stealing, sneaking, lying, avoiding... I'm not just going to let my kids fail at life because they feel they are somehow entitled to the internet and unlimited gaming.  It's a lot of work for me to keep track of, but it's my job to be the parent, not the phone or the game.

I hope this provided some insight.

Vulnerability

No doubt about it, life is hard.  Add kids, house, work, spouse travel, pets, etc into the mix and it's just a wild ride.

A few months ago, my husband left on a Sunday for a work trip to Japan.  In the morning, I let the kids play video games while I got stuff done.  In the afternoon, we went bowling, ate pizza, and went grocery shopping.  In the evening, I hid the video games so they would not cause a distraction while we got ourselves ready for the week.  One of my kids was not having it and lost his ever loving S4!+!!!  He could not understand that it went deeper than me not trusting him to play it, but I needed the assurance it wouldn't be an issue because single parenting five kids and lots of dogs and getting ready for the week is no joke in itself.

The issue presented much worse of a problem, he stepped himself right up on a pedestal and fed me many lines that I care not to ever hear again in my life.  I'm not even sure where he came up with half of it.  At first I did my parenting best to ignore him and not react.  Then, I progressed to taking deep breaths and keeping my composure while I kindly told him over and over again, "dad's away, if it gives me one less thing to worry about, I will put the game away".   What I wanted to do was put a paper bag over my head with a giant smiley face painted on the outside.  After about ten minutes of his rage, during which I was accused of being the most likely cause of him failing out of college, becoming a homeless person with no self control that would probably resort to drinking, something inside of me snapped.

I walked over to the xbox, ripped out all the cords, lifted it up, and dropped it to the ground.  The xbox lost that battle- it shattered into about 99 pieces.  Everyone was scared- except him- the argument wasn't about the xbox so of course the point wasn't received by him, except that I was a lunatic.  He went upstairs to his room where I banished him for the evening or until he could calm down and rationally talk to me.

At this moment, I can say I had never felt so alone in my entire life- it is up there with the darkest moment I have had.  Not only was my husband away, but my family is halfway across the country.  Not many of my close friends have kids the same age as mine, so sometimes it's hard to commiserate.  I began analyzing everything about myself- was I a good parent, if I called a friend- would they think I was crazy, I was not a good role model for anger management since I just broke a 250$ game, of all the 200+ parenting books at the store, not a one could fix this situation... or could they- must get more books, was Dave going to be afraid to leave me home alone with the kids again, how could I have handled this differently...

My other kids were immediately by my side asking if I was ok, reassuring me they didn't use the xbox anyways so they weren't mad I broke it.  I went up after a while and apologized to my son for my rash behavior, but not for hiding the other video game.  I told him he didn't have to understand my decisions but he had better respect them.  Next time, I'll send him to his room right away and let him calm down there.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am real.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  I don't want anyone to think I am either.  Being vulnerable allows me to be real. I hope that it will help other people be real too.  The more real stories I hear, the more OK I am with my choices, actions, and situations I find myself in.

I want my kids to know I struggled so that when they struggle, they are not afraid of it or embarrassed by it.

I make food and desserts that are delicious.

I exercise and keep in shape.

I can sew and take photos.

I am a great friend.

I love my family.

I love my pets.

I am real.

I get mad.  I get pissed off. I swear.

I don't always know how to control my anger around my kids.

I have broken things.

I am a human being that is not perfect.

I am vulnerable.

Present

I don't have a New Year's Resolution per say.

I've talked about a lot of things I want to do this year.  But really, it all boils down to one word- present.

Present: noun:  at or during this time, now

I will live in the present.  I think my new motto is going to be "Live for Today".

I'm going to try to stop telling my kids how their behaviors are going to affect them when they are 50, etc.  I'm not going to worry that the mistake they made today is an indication of what is going to happen when they are 21.  I'm going to let go of what happened yesterday, because the sun went down on yesterday- today is a new beginning.

Present:  adj:  existing or occurring now

I am going to be present.

I will go to all my kids school events, sports stuff, and activities.  They will see me when they look out into the audience.

I will be present.  I will pay attention when talking with people and not be distracted by things such as my phone or Facebook.  I will not be consumed with gossip and meaningless babble.  I will have meaningful relationships, where I play an active role, listen, and comfort.

Present:  noun:  a gift

I will give presents to people.

I want to be a gift and blessing to the people around me.  The world needs more love and kindness and I intend to do my part to help others, even when they don't ask.

Present:  verb: to formally talk about something to a group of people

I will present myself with confidence.

I want to be a better coach, wife, mom, friend, and photographer.   I will be a better teacher and leader by how I present myself and what I am presenting.  This means I will spend more time on fine details, and take more time to do and learn things better, so I can present them in a clear and understandable way.

Present: verb:  to offer to show

I will present delicious meals to my family and friends.

I will learn new cooking techniques and use new foods to present appetizing, healthy, fulfilling meals to family and friends.  Most of the times I have friends over, we end up hanging out in the kitchen.  Many social events involve eating- food is a big deal.  I will be presenting new and intriguing meals to provide warmth, fulfillment, and joy to those who gather in my home.

My New Year's Word is present.

You Can't Do Everything

I can't do everything and neither can you.  We're not supposed to, it's just not possible.

I do a lot of things and I can do a lot of them well.  Sometimes I just think I can do it all.  I end up calculating my day, using every spare minute, to fit stuff in.  I tended to rush a lot.  I'm trying to learn how to slow down and realize it's ok to not get stuff done.

The past few years, as my kids have gotten older (and busier), I've had to stop pursuing a lot of my hobbies, due to lack of time.  I try to squeeze stuff in when I find a spare minute (which is totally rare).  Between my two jobs, my husbands work, the five kids schedules, laundry, dishes, and dinner, I have no time.

Things I will not give up are working out, making dessert, going to church on Sunday, educating myself to be better at my jobs, and spending time with my family.  Things I have to do sparingly, sew,  make new foods, crafts, and organize my house.

The main thing that I just don't care about, but it eats away at me, is my house.  I have a big house and it's a nice house, but every damn flat surface is covered with stuff.  I find I just don't care about dedicating the time necessary to get rid of all the stuff and make it look welcoming, calm, and neat.  When people come over (cable guy today), I always scuffle around, trying to recycle all the random papers the kids left lying around, or put away the Christmas sign that's been lying on the floor collecting dust for a month because I couldn't be bothered to take it to the basement.

My house stresses me out. There is plenty of space to put stuff away, yet, I, as one person, cannot be constantly responsible for putting away the stuff of 7 people.  I find myself in a panic if someone is coming over that they are going to thing I'm a slob.  Mind you, my house is not dirty, there is just a lot of random stuff.  Like I said, I have a lot of hobbies, and I know I'll probably never do many of them again- but given my lack of time, I just don't have enough time to spend sorting, recycling, good willing, etc.

The scary thing to me is that I probably do go to good will about every other week with three bags.  I put all my kids off season clothes in bins in the storage room in the basement, I have about 12 bins full of stuff to sell at a consignment sale, and I always put my holiday decor away in bins too.  So, what's all the junk laying around my house?  Crafts, work books, coloring books, toys, puzzles, old homeschool stuff, tiny pieces, games, art supplies, fabric- yes a lot of it's my kids and they definitely don't need it all. Envision five kids x five birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays where it seems to be customary to don them with cheap thrills to last a minute and burden me for years.

I have a few boxes that are not even unpacked from when I moved here almost six years ago.  A lot of the stuff I have, I have not used since I've lived here.  One issue is I will unpack a box, or start cleaning a room and then I get distracted and have to stop to go make dinner, help with homework, break up a fight, police a cell phone, or go to work.  The next thing I know, my five year old tornado daughter is into everything and I'm back to square one.

I have tried lots of different things, 15 minutes per day until a room is completely organized, move everything out of a room and put it back in, get all the organization containers, have like three organization books, and even lately, just trying to prioritize and focus on which room is most important to me to have clean and welcoming.  I can't decide between my office, since I spend time working in there, my bedroom, since that's supposed to be where I relax, or my front room because that is what I see whenever I enter my house.


I have made a lot of progress over the years, but not as much as I would hope.  Sometimes when I walk into my friends' houses, I get jealous, like seriously, how do they do it?  I even have a cleaning lady come once a month (hence the not dirty part).  However, seriously, I'm not sure I'd know what to do if everything was put away and all surfaces were clear.  I am trying to enjoy my kids being young and it's who they/we are, but I don't know how all of you with kids do it.  I give you mad props.

In the same aspect, I know many people have commented to me about how in shape I am, or that I can sew, or bake cupcakes from scratch.  I know I can't do everything--so I try not to feel bad about not living in a Pinterest type home-- because I know I'm spending my free time differently than others.

We all have our things we just decide aren't that important.  Stop beating yourself up about things that you never get to.  There are only so many waking minutes in a day, choose to spend your free time doing things that make you happy and better.  If something isn't getting done that stresses you out, ask someone to help you, or maybe spend one day devoting all of your time to it, so you can cross it off your list and be done with it.

The thing I am not good at is decorating my house and keeping it clutter free.  I can't do everything and I'm ok with it and so should you.

I Am My Own Motivation

I am my own motivation.

I want to be better, for me, not for you.

Each day when I walk through those doors, gear in hand, ready to work, it's for me, not for you.

I am the one who feels what I feel.

There's a voice in my head, mostly good, sometimes bad.  I am the boss of that voice.  I motivate me.

I am the one that listens to that voice in my head.  I can control it.  I motivate me.

Sometimes I'm angry, I need to clear my head, so I move weight and move a lot.

It's not about the score, the time, the muscles, the status, or look, it's about me being ok with being me.

I want to move really fast for me, it's not to beat you.

If you beat me or even if you don't, you are you and I am me.  What you did, how fast or how many has nothing to do with motivating me.

I may finish first or towards the end.  In the end it doesn't matter, because I know me, I give it my all, and I always finish on top of my own scoreboard when I'm being the best version of me.

I am not the best, I may never be.  But that's ok, because I'm ok being me.

Each day when I walk out those doors, sweaty gear in hand, I know I did work, mostly work on me.  How fast or how many truly doesn't matter because I became better.  Better at being me.

When the clock beeps go and you only focus on you, you will be amazed at the things you can do.

The less you concern yourself with me him or her, the more you will learn to motivate you.

If I leave all sweaty, out of breath, with nothing more left to give, I won.

It's not about me vs. you him or her.  It's me vs. me and you vs. you.

Decide

It is up to you to decide.

It's up to you to decide what your why is.

Sometimes people ask me why I do crossfit. Sometimes people ask me why I train so hard.

I'm not going to lie...occasionally I ask myself why.

There are days things feel like they are never going to come together.

There are days things feel incredibly heavy.

There are days things seem never ending.

There are days when my lungs can't seem to work hard enough.

There are days when I feel like I can barely move.

Why do I want to struggle, why do I want to feel nervous, why do I want to feel out of breath, why do I challenge myself like that?

Why? Because I feel alive.

Why? Because I can.

Why? Because I want to live my life.

Why? Because I feel confident.

Why? Because I feel on top of the world.

Why? Because I can be me.

Why? Because I want to kick ass.

Why? Because I want to be strong.

Why? Because I'm setting an example for my kids.

Why? Because you thought I couldn't.

Why? Because why not?

What is your why.

Rough Draft

Recently, I came across the analogy that life is like a rough draft.  With each new day, you have a chance to edit what you did the day before.

I think it's important for all of us to realize this.  Each sunrise brings a fresh start- a new page if you will.  A chance to rearrange our outlines, add stuff in, or remove it.

There are days when I am left defeated, and I go to bed with a scroll playing in my head of where I went wrong or how it could have gone differently.  But, I know I can wake up and start over again.

As a mother, especially with my oldest, I am constantly struggling with new situations I find myself in.  I wonder if I could have handled it differently or if only I didn't say that...  The good news is tomorrow I will be more prepared from what I faced today.

As an athlete, sometimes I just have a bad day.  Maybe I missed a lift I got before, or I am struggling to get to a movement I am training to master.  Today is a dry run of what tomorrow will bring.  I can learn from my mistakes, and I am gaining from my attempts.

Sometimes we will do things that cannot be changed.  We cannot undo them, but we can take those situations and turn them into new stories.  We can learn and grow as we were meant to do.

Most of us have plans- we know what we want from life and expect certain things to happen.  Oftentimes life is happening while we are making other plans.  Just when you think you've got it figured out, something comes at you out of left field.  Get out a fresh sheet of paper and start from there.

It's nice to have a plan and be driven.  But we must always have room for the possibility of something else.

Our plans, our hopes, and dreams, they are our rough draft.  We must always have space for living the real story as it unfolds.

We must always be mindful that when we are at our worst, the story is not over.  It is not cause to put the pencil and paper away.  It is more reason than ever to keep going.

Live on the page of today.  Tomorrow is still a rough draft.  Do not live thinking about tomorrow when you still haven't finished today.  

Ten Seconds

I saw an awesome movie tonight- Race.  It was about Jesse Owens- and I highly recommend it.

Jesse was black and in college during the 1930's when racism was high around the world.  He was asked to take a stand for black people and the jewish people in Germany and not go to the Olympics. He offered this in retort- (sorry not a direct quote because I can't remember it word for word- but it gets the point across).

"for ten seconds, when I'm on the track, it's about fast and slow, it's not about black or white- for ten seconds I'm free"

When I'm doing a wod or out for a run, during those times, it's just about me.

I don't have 10,000 drop offs and pick ups, it doesn't matter that my sink is full of dishes, or that I was just awarded Worst Mom in the World.

I am not concerned that my bathrooms are overdue to be clean.

I don't care about making dinner.

Those black circles under my eyes mean nothing when I have no mirror for them to stare back at me.

I am not 40.

I am not short, tall, or anything- I just am.

When the clock turns on, my mind is free and I just work.  It is my chance to just be me, with no subtitles.

There are no problems and no worries when the clock turns on.

When the clock turns on, all my troubles seem to disappear.

For those five to twenty minutes, it's just about me.

The wod doesn't talk back, it doesn't judge, it doesn't reflect, it doesn't ask for too much, it doesn't leave messes for me to clean up, and it doesn't care- it does what I want it to and it lets me be me.

When the clock turns on, I just work.

Whether it's for ten seconds or twenty minutes, when the clock turns on and the wod starts, I am free.

Be A Blessing

Typically I make a detailed list of things I want to accomplish for the year.  This year, I am being more broad and decided I just want to be more of a blessing to others.

My kids are getting a little older (and a tiny bit less needy)- and I feel like I have a little more time now to give to others.  I also want my kids to be involved in this.  I'm not talking about going on a mission trip or even committing to an organization, I'm just talking about being a Plain old blessing.

How am I going to be a blessing?  Well, it's not planned out, it's just going to happen- kind of like a lot of random acts of kindness, except some won't be random.

A few years ago, when I turned 36, I spent my birthday doing 36 Random Acts of Kindness, except they weren't all random because I had to plan them out to make sure I did them, and honestly by the end of the day, I was tired.  I did a lot of good, fun things, but it kind of became a chore to get that number.

Life gets hard and can bring you down sometimes.  There seems to always be some new upsetting story on the news.  There needs to be more good in this world and I plan on doing my part to make that happen.

My goal is to bring a smile to more people's faces.  I cannot say all the ways I can do this, but when I'm in the situation, I will know what to do.

That day I did the 36 acts of kindness, one thing I did-which I plan to do more of, was hung up a sign with slips of paper to tear off, that said "need a smile, take one" and I had my daughter draw smiley faces on it- it still makes me smile to think about it.

Being a blessing can be as simple as saying "hello, how are you today", showing that I care and notice a person.

I plan to write more letters to my grandmother- she's 86 and she lives alone- I know what a blessing it would be for her to receive hand written letters.

Other ideas I have in the back of my mind are delivering dinner to a friend, holding doors, asking more questions, remembering details during a conversation, giving more compliments, writing letters, sending birthday cards, lending a hand, extending an invitation to dinner, sharing good books, making people laugh, and leaving positive quote cards for people who need them to take them.

We are only here for a finite amount of time and I plan to make the most of mine.  This year I want to help others see more light, do more good, and smile more.

Imagine how different life would be if we could all slow down just a little bit and be more of a blessing to others when we see them needing it most.

Find Your People

Find your people.

I'm not talking about people who are the same race, gender, income bracket, career, age, etc.

I'm not talking about people who are necessarily stronger, faster, more skilled, better cooks, professional seamstresses, prettier, or smarter.

I'm talking about people who make you better.

I'm talking about people who are just there to be your people.  There's no competition, there's no comparing, there's just listening, laughing, learning, and companionship.

I hadn't been to church in a while, and I decided it was time to recommit to going every week.  This Sunday the message was about being a part of a circle or a group- because we just need people.  Whenever I leave church, I usually feel inspired to write on here, I end up taking out my phone and jotting down a bunch of notes on my iPhone notes to remember for later.  My mind is literally working in overdrive after I leave church, usually full of ideas of how I can be better.

The message at church always makes me better, the pastor is my people.

About two weeks ago, I met with some friends at crossfit to learn how to knit (yes, I realize, I'm not 70).  It was a skill I had never been taught and I wanted to learn.  Our group consists of ladies in age from 26- over 50- we have a great time and laugh- maybe I'll never knit a perfect scarf, but that group makes me better.  I never feel like I am comparing myself or judging anyone, it is just a time to get together and laugh, learn, and be.

Crossknit is my new people.

Ok, I mentioned it, crossfit... Crossfit people make me better (not all but most)... choose your people. Move around the room and try different classes until you find your people.  The ones who will not judge you when you partially pee your pants during  double unders, the ones who will freak out when you get your first pull up, the ones who could give a care that you are using the trainer bar, or that you moved as slow as molasses, the ones who ask you how your day was- those are your people.

Crossfit has always been my people.

A friend and I took a cooking class together- we are not professional chefs.  We learned some new techniques, ate amazing food, but most importantly we had fun.  We laughed and talked and decided we would try to get together and cook more because we are each other's people.  We left feeling happy and inspired, instead of putting ourselves down that our food would never taste like that.

Friends and family are my people.

Go out and find your people, they are out there in all shapes, colors, sizes, and languages.

You make your own choices and it's up to you who your people are.  Find those people who can make you laugh, who you can be yourself around and who inspire you to be greater.  Those people who when you leave their presence, you still have a smile on your face.  Those people who don't even care that you have cat print leggings on.

Find your people and start living to be you.

To Feel Like a Winner

My son's football team lost every single game this season.  EVERY SINGLE ONE.  The team he was on last year made it to the Super Bowl and lost by one touch down.

Do I see a difference in his attitude at the end of the season this year versus last..absolutely not!

Last year he got about 3 touchdowns per game, this year he had 0 the entire season.  Would it have felt great for him to get one?  Sure... but does he care, NO! (so why should I).

If I were to ask him, "Son, do you feel like a winner or a loser?"- he would say neither.  He did not ask me to sign him up for football to be a winner or a loser.  He signed up to learn how to play, to make friends, and to have fun doing something he loves.

The thing he was the most upset about the season being over was that he won't get to go to practice anymore.  Sure, he can toss a ball in the yard, but you need a team to be on and a team to play against to have a game- win or lose, he just wants to be around others with the same interests.

I've been hearing parents say things about the coaches and about the league- and I'm wondering how many of them are looking in the mirror.  There are three factors involved here with the kids' attitudes and efforts- the kids themselves and what they hold within their hearts, their coaches and how they work with the team, and the parents' and what they say and how they react while their children are on and off the field.

As for the kid:  the kid that loves the sport, win or lose, is going to want to show up day in and day out.  My son freaked out if he wasn't at the field at 430 everyday for a 530 practice.  On days with no practice, he asks to go to the field to throw the ball around.  Everyday, his backpack barely zips because he brings a ball with him.  Whether his team won or lost on the weekend, he was still rearing to go to practice the following Tuesday.

Coaches, it's up to you to learn how to handle each player effectively. Use the right balance of encouragement and discipline.  To learn from mistakes and teach the kids how to get better.  Your words are ringing in their ears out on the field.

Parents:  your kid wants nothing more than to make you proud.  If you place so much emphasis on the team winning or your kid making a fabulous play, they might lose focus and instead of just playing and having fun, they're going to cave under the pressure.  I'm guilty.  I told my son if the team won yesterday I would take him and his friend to the movies.  I'm sure that's why he was crying on the way home- not because they lost, but because he "disappointed" me and now he couldn't go to the movies.  Take a step back and think, who is more upset about the loss, my kid or me...is my kid really into football or am I playing vicariously through them?

I was a competitive athlete growing up, and as an adult I still am.  I do well because I want to, not because anyone bribes me.  My parents did not always come to all of my track meets, but I still did well.  They never asked me to get first place.  They were never upset if our team didn't win meets- they didn't care because I was having fun.  As an adult, my husband does not say "get first in the competition today or don't come home".

If I don't win a competition, I do not blame myself, I do not blame the coaches at my crossfit box, and I do not blame my teammates.  I leave knowing I tried my best and learn what I need to do better for next time.

The glory of a win only lasts for so long.

So, back to the title of this post, "To Feel Like A Winner".

One of our parents said in a fury last night, "to feel like a winner, you have to win.  If you are always losing, you feel like a loser."

It's all about perspective.  In football, there are two teams, one will win and one will lose- inevitable.  Go do a 5K, there are hundreds, sometimes thousands of people, out of them only one wins- yet people keep showing up to these races.  If they all considered themselves losers, since only one of them is going to win, what's the point of showing up.  Who wants to legit make themself feel like a loser?

Here's how you feel like a winner- GET A NEW ATTITUDE!  Train hard, practice things you love with people you love, push yourself, make mistakes, and stop being negative.  Losing is sometimes the best thing that can happen- it builds character, it shows integrity when you come back the next week, and it gives you a clear picture on things you need to improve on.

I got 99 problems and my son's 10U football team winning a game ain't one!!!

You are more

You are more.

You are more than just the number on the scale.  You are body parts that are strong and functional.  You are the muscles recovering and building up from being pushed.  You are unstoppable.  You are a way better, more positive, and poised version of you.

You are more than your score on the whiteboard.  One day, one workout, one lift, these do not define you.  You are more.   You are the sweat you left on the floor that drenched your clothes.  You are the breath that you lost because you were working hard. You are stronger than yesterday. 

You are more than the clothes you wear. You are that extra spring in your step, you are that smile on your face- these are the accessories that make your outfit complete.  You are the muscles and curves that give you shape.

You are more than a mom or a dad.   You are a guiding light, illuminating a path for many eager followers.  You are inspiration.  You are a complete person because you take care of yourself so you can give more to others. 

You are more than just a face in the crowd.  You are confidence and joy.  You are my motivation.  Your movements keep me going too. Your effort inspires me to do more.  Your presence, your voice, they are all part of my experience.  You are more than just another person in the room. 

You are more than the size of your butt or your legs.  You are the person who lifted something they never thought possible.  You are a role model.  You are a friend and uplifter.  The size of your underwear is no measure of the size of your golden heart.  You are the happier mom who can tolerate more.  You are the one driving home feeling on top of the world because of what you can do.

You are more than your fears.  You are the example facing one scary thing then another.  You are the motivator, conquering things left and right.  You are empowered.  You are a life that is worth living.

A number does not define you, your life, the amount of friends you have, or the level of joy you are allowed to experience. 

You are so much more.

Be A Good Person

We always want to be good at stuff.

There are lots of things we are good at.

Being good at stuff is a wave- you are good at different things at different times.

One thing you can be good at all the time is being a good person.

If you just met me, you would not know that I was good at math (when I was in high school and college)- because I'm out of practice now.

If you workout with me at crossfit, you wouldn't know that I'm good at baking or sewing.

My husband used to be good at high jump in high school and college, but meeting him now, would you know?

We find things we enjoy doing and we practice to become good.  But, unless people are around us or joining us in that activity, they don't always recognize that we are good at it.

People can always recognize if you are a good person.

Being a good person follows you all.the.time.

You don't have to forget a skill or feel out of practice to be a good person- the reputation stays with you always.

People may not look back and say "Liz, oh yeah, she was on highest honor roll, but they can look back and say 'she was a good person'".

Be a good person to everyone you meet.  Maybe they all won't receive it well, but those who need it will.

Find lots of things to be good at, practice them- be good.  But don't get so focused on training to be good at stuff that you loose sight of something very important- being a good person.

Hold a door, give a compliment, surprise someone, don't gossip, help out, encourage, use kind words.

Be a good person.  It is something you can be all the time no matter what, no matter why, no matter how, no matter where, no matter when.

What the F#$% situations

I'm just going to be really honest.  My reaction to some situations with my kids is "What the F#$%?"

Sometimes, I find myself in "what the f#$%" situations with my kids where the not-listening and everything that comes with it, seems out of my control.

Let's talk about last night:

It's 10 O'clock and I'm now on the one millionth reminder to two of my sons to take a shower.  The girls have been getting in and out of bed for about 20 minutes and my oldest is trying to play upbeat video game music loudly on his kindle.  I get one boy to the shower, the other one runs away, the girls are out of bed again.  Next thing, both boys are in bathroom and the youngest girl is in the bathroom putting deodorant all over her body.  Then, I walk into my daughters' room to find all their laundry that I had just spent 1.5 hrs putting away, all packed up in suitcases and backpacks.

After 30 minutes of telling them the same things over and over again, with no action, I had found myself in a "what the f#$%" situation.

I just lost it.

I started yelling (maybe screaming)- yes, I know, 10:20 PM, probably not the best idea, but seriously, sometimes the not-listening thing, it just gets to me.

Today, I woke up feeling like the worst mother on the planet.  How could I have handled it better?  How do some mothers always keep a nice, calm even tone- I really want to know.

This morning, while waiting to meet a friend for coffee, I picked up my favorite book and this is what I read:

"Go to that place of peace, even in the midst of turbulence."

Maybe I was so worked up last night, I was the one who needed a time out to get recomposed.

While talking with my friend this morning, I realized, moms need to talk to other moms more often.  Real talk, not like "Jonny got into AT" talk.  But, like "my kids got me so pissed last night, I wanted to smash a glass" talk.

None of us are perfect or super- but we are real.  Can't we just be more real?

From that one hour talk with my friend, I feel renewed and ready to start today over with a fresh perspective.  Trying to deal with situations you've never been in before, or that don't have manuals can be very tricky.  Talking with someone who has been in similar ones or can sort of relate is refreshing.

Next time you find yourself in a "What the f#$%" situation, give yourself a time out.  Go put your head in a paper bag (Carry on Warrior), take a few deep breaths, say a prayer, or schedule a coffee date with a friend who can relate.

Always remember you are not alone and you are not the worst parent in the world!  It takes a village and a whole lot of iron!!!

Unbroken

I don't read a lot of war books, it's never been my thing.  After reading The Lone Survivor, I was very compelled to read Unbroken when the movie came out last year.  (books are way better than movies).

In a nutshell, the book is a true story about a man named Louie Zamperini, during WWII.  Louis was an olympic runner, who enlisted.  He was part of a flight that went down in the Pacific and he and one of his crew mates survived floating in the Pacific on a raft for 46 days.  They kept each other alive by telling stories from their past, and quizzing each other on facts.  Louie started praying to God, and made a promise to devote his life to God if he were able to return home safely.  They made it to land alive, only to fall into the hands of the Japanese.  From there, he was put into many different prison camps for about two years.

Having lived in Japan for almost five years, this story was hard for me.  It painted a very different picture of the Japanese people than what I know.  I got so upset, I had to take days at a time off from reading.  The prisoners at the camps had to endure beatings, starvation, humiliation, slave labor, despicable living conditions, lice, rats, and more.  Throughout it all, Louie remained unbroken.

When the war was finally over and the men were rescued and brought home, the torture didn't end.  Nightmares happened and people were asking them questions, which was a constant reminder of their ordeal.  The person Louie became at home, as a result of his ordeal, was too much, it saddened me so much and I was so upset, that I literally put the book down for over a month.  One day, I picked it back up again and started reading- Louie's wife heard Billy Graham was in town and she wanted to take him.  He finally gave in and went.

When he was listening to Billy Graham, he wanted to leave, and all of the sudden, he heard the following words, "God works miracles one after another... God says If you suffer, I'll give you the grace to go forward."  He was stopped in his tracks and reminded of all he had gone through, and that he had made it through all of it- then he remembered that promise he made to God that day in the raft all those years ago.  He had remained unbroken, but it was because God was right there with him the whole time.

From here, it is incredible the life change that occurs with Louie and how he takes his experiences and turns them into something incredible.  All my anger, angst, sickness about what I had previously read in the book, all that stuff that made me put the book down for a month, were resolved.  I felt uplifted.

"What God asks of men is faith.  His invisibility is the truest test of that faith.  To know who sees him, God makes himself unseen."

This quote in the book spoke to me personally.  It's so easy to say God is not real, especially if something bad is happening to you, but those are the times when you need him the most.  This story encapsulated that perfectly.

Things that happen in my daily life too often have me feeling "why me" or "I can't take it anymore".  Not one thing, not one of them even marginally compares to Louie's ordeal.

Not everything is going to be perfect or go as planned, we have to know that and expect it.  I know when I get in those bad situations, where I feel like I might break down, I need pray to God to provide me with the strength to stay unbroken.

The Barbell

Have you ever been in a dark place?

Have you had a bad day and it just keeps getting worse?

Someone’s negativity is seeping in through your veins.

That last bit of patience is being juiced right out of you.

It seems like there’s no way out.  No matter which decision you make, the darkness is still there.

Maybe you’ve had one of these moments, maybe it’s been one of those days, or worse weeks or months.

Go pick up a barbell.

Let me tell you, the metal is like a magnet for bullshit.

You pick it up and throw it down and all of the sudden, you feel a little lighter

Keep picking up the bar.

The pain and suffering you incur from the WOD is temporary, it is nothing compared to that dark place you were in when you opened the door to the box.

Don’t ask me how I feel before the WOD, ask me after.  

You may be physically tired, but mentally, you’re a little more free.  

Break out of that dark place you keep getting trapped in- look for that ray of light.

There is bullshit all around you- do not step in it.  Do not let it seep into your soul.  Do not release it onto others.

Bring it to the box and give it to the bar- that’s what it’s there for- to take away the bullshit, to make you whole again.

Encourage Others

Growing up, I absolutely hated writing.  My goal was to get through school with all A's and a few B's.  During my junior year of high school, I got a D in AP English- it shattered me.  Literally cried about it.

Heading into college, I hated writing, I did not want any part of it at all so my plan was to only enroll in math and science classes.  I also thought I was not good at art- my brothers and sisters were very creative, not me.

Suddenly, 15 years later, I have kids and I don't really do a lot of math or science, and I love to do craft projects and I write a blog.  I still do not consider myself a good writer, but I find myself enjoying it more, now that I am not being graded on it.

The things I write about, they just sort of come to me.  I do not make a list and then sit and try to write.

A few years ago, when I moved back to the US from Japan, I started going to a church.  I had a series of migraines and I wasn't very happy about it.  I wrote about it a while ago.  Needless to say, I began to worry, especially when my friend, the pastor told me I was being called to do something great.

Have you ever wondered how you are being called to do something or how God talks to you?  I used to listen at night and wait for specific instructions to fall into my ears.  Well, that isn't really how it happens, at least I don't think so.

I started noticing people in my life and how they guided me to the next things.  He was calling me, by placing me in specific situations with specific people to get me where I am today.  I never thought I'd be writing on a blog to encourage people to be better, but here I am.

Looking back over the last three years and people I've met, some still friends, some have moved on, who have led me down the path I'm on today.

Oftentimes, I think my words aren't powerful enough, especially after I read another blog and I think how articulate it is or how powerful it was.  But, not everyone reads the same blogs I read, not everyone listens to the same people or receives words the same way.

It has been brought to my attention that people look forward to my words and they are being helped, so I'm moving all my motivational posts over to this blog moving forward.  I can't promise to write a lot, I only write when I get inspired by a situation, a phrase, a person, etc.  The words just sort of come to me when I least expect it- nothing is ever forced.

I used to think I'd be like a broken record, writing the same thing over and over again, that someone else has probably written about. But, as a parent, I know how many times over and over again, I remind my kids to brush their teeth, eat at the table, close the door, etc.  Just because we're adults, doesn't need we don't need constant reminders too or we can't benefit from the same message over and over again too.

A few days ago, the Tony Dungy devotional that I read every night ended with the message to encourage others, no matter what, keep encouraging.  So that's what I'm going to do, keep encouraging and I hope you will do the same.  Even if your voice only reaches one person, that is one person that you have sharpened and your mission was accomplished.