Small things

 Last weekend, we took a quick family getaway to the beach before fall schedules take over our lives.

Saturday morning, I saw a man walk off the beach with three large conch shells.  He said he found them right there, and he was out there early.  I wanted to find one too so I spent most of my time that day at the beach searching for shells.  The waves were very rough at the beach due to the incoming storms, so the kids weren't in the water too much.  I invited them to find shells with me- I offered a reward to the person that found the largest in tact shell.

Two of my kids asked me if we could be the first ones on the beach the next morning so we would have a better chance of finding the largest shell.  The low tide was at 4:15 AM, so they asked if we could get up at 5:15 to head out.

The next morning, I got up at 5:30 AM and to my surprise, the kids were up ready to go to the beach. We headed out to the beach, it was so dark and beautiful.  We were the first ones on the beach.  I was so fixated on finding a large shell, I kept flashing my light looking for a big object.  After 45 minutes of searching, all we had found was a hollowed out decrepit skeleton of a small conch shell and many broken tops.

I actually found myself starting to pray to God that we would find a shell-- then I stopped because I felt ridiculous that I would pray to find a shell.  I had built up my kids so much that we would definitely find a shell, since the man the day before had found 3.  I was worried they would get frustrated and want to leave, but I secretly enjoyed spending the time with them and we were having fun.  Then, I remembered that I heard that no prayer is too large or too small for God.  So,  I started my prayer over and asked God to help us find a shell, so they could experience its beauty and see that there is so much life outside of their phones.

By this time, there were four other people on the beach, each heading in directions opposite to where we were.  We were in an area with lots of debris and had searched it pretty heavily.  I finally got frustrated and said "great, those people up ahead are going to find the shells before us."  My son said, "Mom why are you so worried about finding a big one, the chances of finding a small one are just the same as finding a big one...what's wrong with a small one?"

Then, he looked down, and goes "see mom look, don't forget about the small things", and picks up a beautiful small, completely intact conch shell, right next to his foot.  I couldn't believe it.  We had stood in that area searching for several minutes and no sooner do I say my prayer, than this shell should appear.

I do believe God placed this shell at my son's foot.  He wanted me to know he is with him, even in my moments of doubt, even in his moments of doubt and weakness.  He is with us, I just need to trust.

No prayer is too small or too large.

No prayer is too silly.

The outcome of a situation you pray for may not be obvious until later, sometimes a lot later.

Stop focusing so much on big things.

Stop trying to predict outcomes.

Stop trying to think you know what you're supposed to see or hear.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

Stop worrying.

Start living in the moment.

Start enjoying.

Start appreciating all the small things.

Start opening your eyes.

Start seeing everything, because the one thing you think you're supposed to be looking for may be blocking you from the real treasure.

Talk About Suicide

Twas the night before my moving truck was coming to pack us up and move us half way across the country.  I received a phone call from my son's guidance counselor alerting me that one of his friends had come forward to let her know my son had a suicide plan and date.

A few months prior to this call, my husband received a notification that my son's email received a bunch of suicide memes.  He immediately confronted him, to which he said they were just for humor (since when is suicide the type of humor anyone would want to read).  We started probing him more, and alerted his therapist.

Upon further investigation, suicide was mentioned in some texts to his friends and group chats.  This whole time, I'm wondering, why aren't these kids speaking up... how come no one is seeking help for my son.  I know the high schools have programs to let kids know the warning signs of suicide and to seek help.  So, why weren't any of them speaking up?

They are afraid to speak up!!! They don't want to be the bad guy or the non-trustworthy one. They don't think their friend would do it.

Sometimes we, the parents, are afraid to speak up as well. It took me quite some time to be able to tell someone that my son had been talking about suicide (besides his therapist of course).  I finally mentioned something to one of his friends' moms.  I began to wonder, will she think I'm a bad mom, will she not allow her child to spend time with mine anymore, will she think my child is a misfit?...  Then, I said to myself, "self, you're the mom, there's nothing to be embarrassed about and the hardest part of your job right now is to keep this kid alive and get help."

Our kids need to be brave for their friends and for themselves.  They need to realize that suicidal speak is a cry for help, it's not ok to hide, and it does not make them a bad friend for speaking up. Having a bad day, a break up, a failed social media post, or feeling bad about yourself in general does not warrant a death wish.  It is a tremendous burden to carry, hearing that your friend wants to end their life and worrying what to do about it.

We need to be able to talk about it, for our kids and for ourselves.  Recently, I have spoken openly about what my son has been going through and I was completely taken aback by the number of people who have also dealt with similar situations with their own children or even themselves.  I have a friend that openly talked with me about being severely depressed to help me better understand where my son was coming from.  This has been the hardest year of my life.  Sometimes the people standing with a smile on their face have the darkest things going on inside.  Take the time to talk and listen to your friends and family. I felt alone and dark for quite some time, until I finally realized I was setting myself in my own bubble.  By talking about it, I no longer feel alone and realized how many others need similar support.

This year, my son has had two plans for suicide.  The second time around, his friends called me, texted me, and even sent me screen shots of a secret instagram I didn't know about.  They learned from the first time around, that I wasn't going to freak out at them and that in fact their voice meant potentially saving a life.  As much as I hate social media and my kids' ability to spend way too much time on it, it did give my son an avenue to voice what otherwise may have been kept inside and hidden from me until it was too late.

We all want to think we are doing the right thing and our kids wouldn't think like that.  Trust me, I consider myself a professional motivator, I gave up caffeine when I was pregnant, I made my son homemade baby food, I breast fed him, he was reading at age 4, he has many many privileges, we have lived around the world... how could he be depressed.  I don't know, but he is and here we are.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they begin to understand their own feelings.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they may be brave enough to save a friend.

Talk to your kids about suicide because if you don't, someone else will and the message may be completely different.  With social media these days, there is so much twisted information out there for your kids.. who do you want them to form themselves from, you or complete strangers.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they understand what happens on the other side to all those left behind to pick up the pieces.

Talk to your kids about suicide so they know how to get help if they need it.

Talk to your kids about suicide because you love them.

Talk about suicide because as much as you think you're alone, you're not.

Suicide is now the second leading cause of death among teens in NC.  I can tell you one thing, my son isn't going to be a statistic.

Stop Apologizing

I'm here for what seems like my yearly post.

I'm not going to apologize for not getting in here more often.   Lately, I have felt called to write.

I'm moving soon.  I'm writing 200+ letters, one to every member at the gym I'm leaving.  This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote.  I think it applies to many.

I did not ask you to join the box.  You decided to.

I did not ask you to be a member of this class.  You wanted to.

I did not make you come to class.  You motivated yourself.

I did not ask you to learn olympic lifts.  You hoped to.

I did not ask you to push yourself to your limits.  You decided to.

Don't apologize to me for anything.

You are here because you want to be.

I am happy you are here.

There is no mistake that our paths have crossed.

Your apology is not necessary.

No one walks in the door and knows what they are doing.  That's why we are all here.

Your lift was not perfect.  I know.  (No one's is).  Don't apologize that I had to come fix something.  That is part of my job.

My goal isn't to make you an expert, world class olympic lifter....  My goal is to make you confident, strong, and capable- just like I know you are.

You were put on this Earth with a purpose.  You came in here looking for something.  Find it.

Every time you walk through that door,  you are a little bit better.  My job is to keep making that happen.

Stop apologizing and start growing.  Reach for bigger and better things.

Be unapologetically you!

Parental Controlling

Have you noticed how much time kids (and adults spend on devices)?

We just finished summer break and one thing I noticed was my kids did not really play with many board games, read many books, or even play outdoors or ask to go to the pool nearly as much as in the past.

They would wake up and immediately grab their phones or ask to play their xbox time.

I allow my kids to have technology.  We have an Xbox, a nintendo switch, a playstation 3, a nintendo Wii, a chromebook, and the teenagers have iPhones.

I find it difficult to regulate the amount of time they spend playing games or even staring at screens watching each other play or watching TV.   For each device, I set parental controls.  I will explain what I do for each device and how my kids try to go around it and what that led to.

My parental controls started with the iPhones.  I didn't want my kids to be looking at inappropriate things on the internet, especially youtube, or losing their innocence too early.  I searched endlessly for a parental control app that would allow me to limit content and restrict time usage on the phone.  The app I found best was Ourpact because it allows you to restrict individual apps by a schedule or by permanently blocking them.

Ourpact for the premium version costs a mere $4.95 per month and you can use it on all the mobile devices in your family.  The way it works is the parent downloads Ourpact on their phone and then you add a device to the app, and you need your child's phone or iPad while you are installing this.  It doesn't take long and their website guides you through the set up.  Once you install our pact on their phone, they get an ourpact Jr. app on theirs for them to "play and pause" the time you allow them to have.  In ourpact, for each device you are controlling, you have the opportunity to set time limits for usage of apps, such as games, tv, etc.  Then you have the opportunity to set time blocks, for example, my boys phones shut off at 9 pm (all apps I have on the schedule)- they magically disappear off their phone, and come back at 730 am (when they will be leaving for school)- this will keep them from being distracted by their phones while getting ready for school.  Sometimes, I set a midday block on the weekends just to force them to do something else.  You can also randomly decide to block their phone, like let's say it's dinner time and they are ignoring you, hit block until i say so and BOOM all their apps disappear, within ten seconds you will hear them complaining how they were in the middle of a game...  If they are being good and you are on a road trip or something, you can choose, ALLOW until I say so or even a set time, such as 30 min.  Another feature is you will be alerted anytime they add a new app on their phone, even if it's one your family has on the cloud.  This is how I figured out when my son downloaded the parent app for the switch and that is a story for the switch controls.  You can set each app to be available on their scheduled playing time (games etc), always available (phone, text, camera), or Never available (fortnite)- this allows you to block access to something they keep trying to re-download off the cloud.

Problems I have run into with ourpact- my son once downloaded the parent app for ourpact off the cloud and he figured out my password because it was the same one I always use.  They were logging in on his phone and changing settings to make their games always available or giving themselves extra time.  I eventually found out and he lost his phone for quite a while.  But I was able to permanently block him from accessing this again from the cloud.  The main issue I have with ourpact is if they have their time playing and they turn off the wifi, ourpact will stop working and will not kick them off when their time is up until they turn wifi back on- this is mainly a problem at the house.  This is what led me to other measures.  However ourpact is still worth it for the fact that I was able to permanently block fortnite off my sons' phone and i know when they are at sleepovers, their apps shut off at 9, and I can see anytime they get new apps.

Next, I bought a kitchen safe.  This looks like an oxo good grips container but it has a timer on top and locks on the sides.  If the kids are bad (like downloading ourpact on their phone)- I put their phone in the box and set the timer and it locks them in there, yes once it was 7 days.  Even if the batteries die, it will not unlock until the time is up.  You can fit game controllers in there too.

I listened to a podcast and this guy was talking about a device called BOB that he used to limit TV time for his kids.  I was very intrigued and ordered BOB off Amazon for 80$.  BOB is amazing.  You plug your monitor cord into it and lock it in with a key, the kids can't get it out.  You set a master code and then you are allowed to create 6 accounts, each account has it's own PIN and you can set daily or weekly tv time limits, as well as time frames for which they can use them.  Each of my kids has a PIN and 45 minutes of TV time.  This has been in effect for about 6 months now.  There is no fighting they actually will use each others pins if they are watching the same show.  It has eliminated many headaches.  If we are watching a movie, I set the 6th user for a longer time for the day and we use that.  It solved a small dilemma for me this summer because my kids were trying to use their 2 hours of xbox, 2 hours of phone, and 45 minutes of TV and to me, that's too much screen and not enough of life.  So, I had them use the xbox with the monitor plugged into the BOB, so they had to make the choice of watch TV or play the xbox.  Again, if they were good and I decided to let them play more xbox later, I can always add more time to BOB if they earned it.  The best part about BOB is if their time is up and they type in their PIN it shows the message of "go outside and do something fun".

The xbox one has parent controls.  They were not too hard to set up, but basically, the parent has to set up their account first and then add on all the kids.  When you add them in, it bills a small amt of money to your act to make sure it's real.  Once you have your kids linked to your microsoft account, you can set time blocks they are allowed to play in, time limits per day (I set 2 hours each weekend day and 0 on school days), you can set age limits and content limits, as well as block certain websites and games for your children.  You can also get a weekly report showing how much time your child plays and what games.  It will show you what devices as well.  Again, my son did login when he found my husband's password and changed the times, but, as long as I am diligent and check frequently, I reset it and then he gets grounded (when will he learn?).

Nintendo switch also has parent controls.  My husband can set these from his phone.  He can set daily time limits as well as content restriction (preschool means no fortnite if you know what I mean).  He can also check the daily time played on the device-- again, when we see 7 hours in a day, we know someone was messing with the system.  Kid we are on your trail!

The chrome book is difficult.  The kids (especially high schooler need it for homework).  It is a very inexpensive computer and that means less options for controlling stuff. I couldn't find a way to search history or block websites.  Last year, I spent sooo many nights constantly looking over my son's shoulder watching him quickly toggle off twitter or youtube and go back to google classroom to look like he was doing his HW.  I was very frustrated.  A friend of mine suggested going to the router itself to block content.

I found a device called router limits, which sounded perfect, but it wasn't compatible with my router.  I ended up going to the website of my router.  We have netgear nighthawk.  I did a quick search and found directions to set up parent controls.   I was able to set up parent controls and have an app on my computer and my phone. Once I had the router app on the devices, I had to create an account on openDNS.com- this is where you go in and set up restrictions and blocks.   I set up a block on youtube, twitter, and epic games(fortnite).  This mom isn't playing.  I can set up a bypass so I can still access youtube, which I do use for work, on my computer.  I can also set up time limits for the website restrictions and I can set up individual restrictions if I download the genie app on my kids' devices.  The openDNS works with my router to control what my wireless will allow.  If the kids are on data, I can't control their website, except through the phone and our pact.  I also can limit their data access with the verizon app.

I spent a lot of time reading and trying to find a perfect answer.  The problem is there are so many devices and ways around stuff.

A great resource for me was www.commonsensemedia.org.

I am currently reading Glow Kids, which is a great read about technology and what it is doing to our kids' developing minds.

None of these are perfect, but combined, I am sending a message to my kids that I'm watching, thinking, and caring about them and their future.  Kids will be kids, at least they are not looking at porn or drinking or doing drugs, but sometimes I wonder, is this just as bad.... stealing, sneaking, lying, avoiding... I'm not just going to let my kids fail at life because they feel they are somehow entitled to the internet and unlimited gaming.  It's a lot of work for me to keep track of, but it's my job to be the parent, not the phone or the game.

I hope this provided some insight.

Vulnerability

No doubt about it, life is hard.  Add kids, house, work, spouse travel, pets, etc into the mix and it's just a wild ride.

A few months ago, my husband left on a Sunday for a work trip to Japan.  In the morning, I let the kids play video games while I got stuff done.  In the afternoon, we went bowling, ate pizza, and went grocery shopping.  In the evening, I hid the video games so they would not cause a distraction while we got ourselves ready for the week.  One of my kids was not having it and lost his ever loving S4!+!!!  He could not understand that it went deeper than me not trusting him to play it, but I needed the assurance it wouldn't be an issue because single parenting five kids and lots of dogs and getting ready for the week is no joke in itself.

The issue presented much worse of a problem, he stepped himself right up on a pedestal and fed me many lines that I care not to ever hear again in my life.  I'm not even sure where he came up with half of it.  At first I did my parenting best to ignore him and not react.  Then, I progressed to taking deep breaths and keeping my composure while I kindly told him over and over again, "dad's away, if it gives me one less thing to worry about, I will put the game away".   What I wanted to do was put a paper bag over my head with a giant smiley face painted on the outside.  After about ten minutes of his rage, during which I was accused of being the most likely cause of him failing out of college, becoming a homeless person with no self control that would probably resort to drinking, something inside of me snapped.

I walked over to the xbox, ripped out all the cords, lifted it up, and dropped it to the ground.  The xbox lost that battle- it shattered into about 99 pieces.  Everyone was scared- except him- the argument wasn't about the xbox so of course the point wasn't received by him, except that I was a lunatic.  He went upstairs to his room where I banished him for the evening or until he could calm down and rationally talk to me.

At this moment, I can say I had never felt so alone in my entire life- it is up there with the darkest moment I have had.  Not only was my husband away, but my family is halfway across the country.  Not many of my close friends have kids the same age as mine, so sometimes it's hard to commiserate.  I began analyzing everything about myself- was I a good parent, if I called a friend- would they think I was crazy, I was not a good role model for anger management since I just broke a 250$ game, of all the 200+ parenting books at the store, not a one could fix this situation... or could they- must get more books, was Dave going to be afraid to leave me home alone with the kids again, how could I have handled this differently...

My other kids were immediately by my side asking if I was ok, reassuring me they didn't use the xbox anyways so they weren't mad I broke it.  I went up after a while and apologized to my son for my rash behavior, but not for hiding the other video game.  I told him he didn't have to understand my decisions but he had better respect them.  Next time, I'll send him to his room right away and let him calm down there.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am real.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  I don't want anyone to think I am either.  Being vulnerable allows me to be real. I hope that it will help other people be real too.  The more real stories I hear, the more OK I am with my choices, actions, and situations I find myself in.

I want my kids to know I struggled so that when they struggle, they are not afraid of it or embarrassed by it.

I make food and desserts that are delicious.

I exercise and keep in shape.

I can sew and take photos.

I am a great friend.

I love my family.

I love my pets.

I am real.

I get mad.  I get pissed off. I swear.

I don't always know how to control my anger around my kids.

I have broken things.

I am a human being that is not perfect.

I am vulnerable.

Present

I don't have a New Year's Resolution per say.

I've talked about a lot of things I want to do this year.  But really, it all boils down to one word- present.

Present: noun:  at or during this time, now

I will live in the present.  I think my new motto is going to be "Live for Today".

I'm going to try to stop telling my kids how their behaviors are going to affect them when they are 50, etc.  I'm not going to worry that the mistake they made today is an indication of what is going to happen when they are 21.  I'm going to let go of what happened yesterday, because the sun went down on yesterday- today is a new beginning.

Present:  adj:  existing or occurring now

I am going to be present.

I will go to all my kids school events, sports stuff, and activities.  They will see me when they look out into the audience.

I will be present.  I will pay attention when talking with people and not be distracted by things such as my phone or Facebook.  I will not be consumed with gossip and meaningless babble.  I will have meaningful relationships, where I play an active role, listen, and comfort.

Present:  noun:  a gift

I will give presents to people.

I want to be a gift and blessing to the people around me.  The world needs more love and kindness and I intend to do my part to help others, even when they don't ask.

Present:  verb: to formally talk about something to a group of people

I will present myself with confidence.

I want to be a better coach, wife, mom, friend, and photographer.   I will be a better teacher and leader by how I present myself and what I am presenting.  This means I will spend more time on fine details, and take more time to do and learn things better, so I can present them in a clear and understandable way.

Present: verb:  to offer to show

I will present delicious meals to my family and friends.

I will learn new cooking techniques and use new foods to present appetizing, healthy, fulfilling meals to family and friends.  Most of the times I have friends over, we end up hanging out in the kitchen.  Many social events involve eating- food is a big deal.  I will be presenting new and intriguing meals to provide warmth, fulfillment, and joy to those who gather in my home.

My New Year's Word is present.

You Can't Do Everything

I can't do everything and neither can you.  We're not supposed to, it's just not possible.

I do a lot of things and I can do a lot of them well.  Sometimes I just think I can do it all.  I end up calculating my day, using every spare minute, to fit stuff in.  I tended to rush a lot.  I'm trying to learn how to slow down and realize it's ok to not get stuff done.

The past few years, as my kids have gotten older (and busier), I've had to stop pursuing a lot of my hobbies, due to lack of time.  I try to squeeze stuff in when I find a spare minute (which is totally rare).  Between my two jobs, my husbands work, the five kids schedules, laundry, dishes, and dinner, I have no time.

Things I will not give up are working out, making dessert, going to church on Sunday, educating myself to be better at my jobs, and spending time with my family.  Things I have to do sparingly, sew,  make new foods, crafts, and organize my house.

The main thing that I just don't care about, but it eats away at me, is my house.  I have a big house and it's a nice house, but every damn flat surface is covered with stuff.  I find I just don't care about dedicating the time necessary to get rid of all the stuff and make it look welcoming, calm, and neat.  When people come over (cable guy today), I always scuffle around, trying to recycle all the random papers the kids left lying around, or put away the Christmas sign that's been lying on the floor collecting dust for a month because I couldn't be bothered to take it to the basement.

My house stresses me out. There is plenty of space to put stuff away, yet, I, as one person, cannot be constantly responsible for putting away the stuff of 7 people.  I find myself in a panic if someone is coming over that they are going to thing I'm a slob.  Mind you, my house is not dirty, there is just a lot of random stuff.  Like I said, I have a lot of hobbies, and I know I'll probably never do many of them again- but given my lack of time, I just don't have enough time to spend sorting, recycling, good willing, etc.

The scary thing to me is that I probably do go to good will about every other week with three bags.  I put all my kids off season clothes in bins in the storage room in the basement, I have about 12 bins full of stuff to sell at a consignment sale, and I always put my holiday decor away in bins too.  So, what's all the junk laying around my house?  Crafts, work books, coloring books, toys, puzzles, old homeschool stuff, tiny pieces, games, art supplies, fabric- yes a lot of it's my kids and they definitely don't need it all. Envision five kids x five birthdays, Christmas, and other holidays where it seems to be customary to don them with cheap thrills to last a minute and burden me for years.

I have a few boxes that are not even unpacked from when I moved here almost six years ago.  A lot of the stuff I have, I have not used since I've lived here.  One issue is I will unpack a box, or start cleaning a room and then I get distracted and have to stop to go make dinner, help with homework, break up a fight, police a cell phone, or go to work.  The next thing I know, my five year old tornado daughter is into everything and I'm back to square one.

I have tried lots of different things, 15 minutes per day until a room is completely organized, move everything out of a room and put it back in, get all the organization containers, have like three organization books, and even lately, just trying to prioritize and focus on which room is most important to me to have clean and welcoming.  I can't decide between my office, since I spend time working in there, my bedroom, since that's supposed to be where I relax, or my front room because that is what I see whenever I enter my house.


I have made a lot of progress over the years, but not as much as I would hope.  Sometimes when I walk into my friends' houses, I get jealous, like seriously, how do they do it?  I even have a cleaning lady come once a month (hence the not dirty part).  However, seriously, I'm not sure I'd know what to do if everything was put away and all surfaces were clear.  I am trying to enjoy my kids being young and it's who they/we are, but I don't know how all of you with kids do it.  I give you mad props.

In the same aspect, I know many people have commented to me about how in shape I am, or that I can sew, or bake cupcakes from scratch.  I know I can't do everything--so I try not to feel bad about not living in a Pinterest type home-- because I know I'm spending my free time differently than others.

We all have our things we just decide aren't that important.  Stop beating yourself up about things that you never get to.  There are only so many waking minutes in a day, choose to spend your free time doing things that make you happy and better.  If something isn't getting done that stresses you out, ask someone to help you, or maybe spend one day devoting all of your time to it, so you can cross it off your list and be done with it.

The thing I am not good at is decorating my house and keeping it clutter free.  I can't do everything and I'm ok with it and so should you.