Vulnerability

No doubt about it, life is hard.  Add kids, house, work, spouse travel, pets, etc into the mix and it's just a wild ride.

A few months ago, my husband left on a Sunday for a work trip to Japan.  In the morning, I let the kids play video games while I got stuff done.  In the afternoon, we went bowling, ate pizza, and went grocery shopping.  In the evening, I hid the video games so they would not cause a distraction while we got ourselves ready for the week.  One of my kids was not having it and lost his ever loving S4!+!!!  He could not understand that it went deeper than me not trusting him to play it, but I needed the assurance it wouldn't be an issue because single parenting five kids and lots of dogs and getting ready for the week is no joke in itself.

The issue presented much worse of a problem, he stepped himself right up on a pedestal and fed me many lines that I care not to ever hear again in my life.  I'm not even sure where he came up with half of it.  At first I did my parenting best to ignore him and not react.  Then, I progressed to taking deep breaths and keeping my composure while I kindly told him over and over again, "dad's away, if it gives me one less thing to worry about, I will put the game away".   What I wanted to do was put a paper bag over my head with a giant smiley face painted on the outside.  After about ten minutes of his rage, during which I was accused of being the most likely cause of him failing out of college, becoming a homeless person with no self control that would probably resort to drinking, something inside of me snapped.

I walked over to the xbox, ripped out all the cords, lifted it up, and dropped it to the ground.  The xbox lost that battle- it shattered into about 99 pieces.  Everyone was scared- except him- the argument wasn't about the xbox so of course the point wasn't received by him, except that I was a lunatic.  He went upstairs to his room where I banished him for the evening or until he could calm down and rationally talk to me.

At this moment, I can say I had never felt so alone in my entire life- it is up there with the darkest moment I have had.  Not only was my husband away, but my family is halfway across the country.  Not many of my close friends have kids the same age as mine, so sometimes it's hard to commiserate.  I began analyzing everything about myself- was I a good parent, if I called a friend- would they think I was crazy, I was not a good role model for anger management since I just broke a 250$ game, of all the 200+ parenting books at the store, not a one could fix this situation... or could they- must get more books, was Dave going to be afraid to leave me home alone with the kids again, how could I have handled this differently...

My other kids were immediately by my side asking if I was ok, reassuring me they didn't use the xbox anyways so they weren't mad I broke it.  I went up after a while and apologized to my son for my rash behavior, but not for hiding the other video game.  I told him he didn't have to understand my decisions but he had better respect them.  Next time, I'll send him to his room right away and let him calm down there.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am real.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  I don't want anyone to think I am either.  Being vulnerable allows me to be real. I hope that it will help other people be real too.  The more real stories I hear, the more OK I am with my choices, actions, and situations I find myself in.

I want my kids to know I struggled so that when they struggle, they are not afraid of it or embarrassed by it.

I make food and desserts that are delicious.

I exercise and keep in shape.

I can sew and take photos.

I am a great friend.

I love my family.

I love my pets.

I am real.

I get mad.  I get pissed off. I swear.

I don't always know how to control my anger around my kids.

I have broken things.

I am a human being that is not perfect.

I am vulnerable.

Present

I don't have a New Year's Resolution per say.

I've talked about a lot of things I want to do this year.  But really, it all boils down to one word- present.

Present: noun:  at or during this time, now

I will live in the present.  I think my new motto is going to be "Live for Today".

I'm going to try to stop telling my kids how their behaviors are going to affect them when they are 50, etc.  I'm not going to worry that the mistake they made today is an indication of what is going to happen when they are 21.  I'm going to let go of what happened yesterday, because the sun went down on yesterday- today is a new beginning.

Present:  adj:  existing or occurring now

I am going to be present.

I will go to all my kids school events, sports stuff, and activities.  They will see me when they look out into the audience.

I will be present.  I will pay attention when talking with people and not be distracted by things such as my phone or Facebook.  I will not be consumed with gossip and meaningless babble.  I will have meaningful relationships, where I play an active role, listen, and comfort.

Present:  noun:  a gift

I will give presents to people.

I want to be a gift and blessing to the people around me.  The world needs more love and kindness and I intend to do my part to help others, even when they don't ask.

Present:  verb: to formally talk about something to a group of people

I will present myself with confidence.

I want to be a better coach, wife, mom, friend, and photographer.   I will be a better teacher and leader by how I present myself and what I am presenting.  This means I will spend more time on fine details, and take more time to do and learn things better, so I can present them in a clear and understandable way.

Present: verb:  to offer to show

I will present delicious meals to my family and friends.

I will learn new cooking techniques and use new foods to present appetizing, healthy, fulfilling meals to family and friends.  Most of the times I have friends over, we end up hanging out in the kitchen.  Many social events involve eating- food is a big deal.  I will be presenting new and intriguing meals to provide warmth, fulfillment, and joy to those who gather in my home.

My New Year's Word is present.